Most likely, your friends will respond well to your setting those boundaries. So where to start? With you! Why do I say this? When we take the time for ourselves, we’ve grown accustomed to taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, including in our relationships. So when we start with ourselves, it becomes more natural to trust ourselves and to assert ourselves with others.

This is all so abstract sometimes. What do we say to "set boundaries"? Let's say that you know that you will have a busy work-week, so you might tell your friend, "I can't meet this week. It's really hectic."

We might not know when we'll be ready to hang out with a certain friend. And that's okay. 
Part of setting boundaries is listening to what feels good to you. So you might sink into that ambivalence, and when your friend asks if you can attend an event, you might say, "I'm not sure. Can I get back to you?" If you really want to hold yourself accountable, or if you feel pressured to respond, you might include when you'll make the decision, "Can I let you know by Friday?"

Maybe you make dinner regularly, and you think “I must make dinner every day”. ​​The difficulty with statements like these is that we have created rigidity for ourselves, and we might want to rebel against these “rules” we’ve created for ourselves. Then you might have one of those days where you eat all the bread, and you’re stuck in frustration and shame. We learn to work with our tendencies. If you enjoy eating bread, then it might be helpful to create some flexibility so that you don’t have the need to rebel. 
Maybe you learn that the keto diet isn’t for you, and instead, you might carve out specific meals where you allow yourself to eat bread.  ​

Write a list of these "limitations ". I put them in quotation marks because these thoughts are merely perceived. In order to detach from these perceptions, we might shift our thinking. Ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful, rather than if they're true. Let’s say that you’re trying to make it a regular habit to go to the gym, “I can’t go to the gym because I’m too tired.” See what it’d be like to shift this to, “I can…” by acknowledging your situation and assuming responsibility. Here’s how we’d apply this to our gym example, “I can meet my friend at the gym after work when I’m tired”. Now how can you use the “I can…” framework. Brainstorm different ways that you can work around your situation. If your statement is “I can’t because I’m too busy or I don’t have enough money”, think about how you can fit a task in a manageable amount of time. Start off with something manageable. Even if we start by adding in five minutes a week, we gain confidence and momentum. We prove to ourselves that we can fit it into our schedules when we thought it wasn’t possible. ​​

Maybe it’s replacing the dead lightbulb at your house and you never get around to it because you have access to other lights. Having someone keep you company might give you that push. Even if it’s replacing a lightbulb, I’m sure that your friend wouldn’t mind sitting there with you. Teaching it is another alternative. Let’s say that you’ve been putting off fixing your wi-fi connection. Maybe you’d have your friend hold you accountable. This is when worrying about how others perceive us can be advantageous. You might want to avoid feeling like you’ve “messed up”, and this added pressure might help you get that task done. ​​

​When we engage in these activities, we are less over-stimulated (unless there’s music playing and people talking and you’re watching a tv show). When we multi-task, there’s less room for us to pay attention to our internal cues. Get into your body. When we’re walking or practicing yoga poses, we generally aren’t overthinking. We don’t think about that next step when we’re walking (except if we are re-learning how to walk from an injury or accident).

Sometimes, shifting our narratives can help us work through these thoughts. One way to rewrite this story is to tell yourself, “What others are thinking about me is none of my business.” If the person is really upset with you, he/she can tell you. That person is responsible for telling you. 
Otherwise, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you were kind to that person and did nothing wrong! 

In the case that person has negative thoughts about you, it often has to do with the other person. If that person is jealous, it means that that person is insecure. Most likely, that person has to do some internal work on themselves and gain awareness of these insecurities if it’s leaking into your space. When we’re worried about what others think, we’re also giving that person a lot of our power. What do I mean by this? Also, the person that you’re concerned with, perhaps you wouldn’t want to be friends with that person anyway. The people that we’re around (and worry about what they think) might not share the same qualities or values we hold.

Another way to approach this is to talk to that person. Maybe you’ll find out that person wasn’t thinking what you thought they were thinking! Or if they confirm your thoughts, it’s a reminder that you’ve got some great intuition. By talking to that person, we might learn something about them. We might find a new friend!

​

Our feelings can have an effect on us. If we’re tired or sad, we might be more self-conscious. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel worried about how others see you. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that whatever you’re feeling might be making you feel uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Talk about how you feel self-conscious. Sometimes when we share about it, we take the power out of it. Chances are that if you share about it, someone will understand what you’re going through and see you as bold and courageous for telling them about it. Other times, that person you tell might even share that he/she feels the same way. By putting ourselves out there and sharing the truth, we’re brave. We make space for others to experience our humanity. We model that it’s okay to be vulnerable. 

​

Moments are ephemeral. Think about what you really want to cherish. You make your life. You deserve to enjoy it. To be the main role in your show. Don’t let anyone else take away that power. Do you. If there’s a song you love, belt it out.  When we’re doing what we love to do, it no longer matters what others think. If it’s meaningful to you, do it. 

​

I get it. Maybe your perfectionism is getting in the way of finishing or starting projects you always wanted to pursue. Or maybe it’s just too scary to think might happen if you scrawl a few words on a page. It can be suffocating in such a way that we’re unable to to keep going, for fear that our work will be criticized, or for fear that we will be perceived as “less than.” Chances are, if another person truly thinks of you as less intelligent as you are, then that person really is unable to believe in his or her own abilities. Whether or not you are worried about how others perceive you, others have similar concerns. ​

Self-forgiveness is a great antidote to shame. In fact, those who experience shame on a frequent basis have difficulty forgiving themselves (Rangganadhan & Todorov, 2010). If we are able to forgive ourselves, we arrive at a place of peace.

You know that feeling. Maybe you beat yourself relentlessly for making that same mistake to the point that you attach this action to your self-worth. What I mean by this is this: your regret has affected how you value and view yourself as a human being. 

Now why is self-forgiveness important? 
The process of self-forgiveness is similar to that of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance):

You may not be ready to forgive yourself; you may experience denial and be unable to let go of the wrong you made (Hall & Fincham, 2005). In this process, you may feel guilty  and attribute this behavior to yourself and think that you are a "bad" person (=shame).

An Exercise For Stage 1: 
Start to bring in some self-compassion. Bring in some words of kindness to yourself and validate what you are feeling. 
It might look like this: "It's really difficult to feel guilty and shameful. These are painful emotions."

Approach your denial, and work with yourself where you are in this stage. 
Here's an example for you to use, but feel free to adjust this to make it seem more natural for you:
"I get it. You don't want to look at what you did wrong. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves."
​

In this final stage, you will attribute meaning to your wrongdoing. Your motivation to act kindly toward yourself will facilitate this self-forgiveness (Hall & Fincham, 2005). 

An Exercise For Stage 3:
Similar to the first exercise, you will engage in self-compassion.
If you have difficulty forgiving yourself, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledge what you did wrong, but emphasize how you are human. You might wonder, "Am I giving myself too much slack?" The answer is, no--chances are that you have engaged in self-flagellation and have been too hard on yourself. Then write about how you are sorry how you have treated yourself (pre-self-forgiveness). Focus on using non-judgment toward yourself and avoid criticizing yourself (you already know that you made a mistake!) when you write this letter. 

Let me know what you think! How do you work through shame and arrive at a place of self-forgiveness?


Hall, J.H. & Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.

Rangganadhan, A.R. & Todorov, N. (2010). Personality and self-forgiveness: The roles of shame, guilt, empathy and conciliatory behavior. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(1): 1-22.

Twelve steps and twelve traditions. (1989). New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.

What does it mean to trust your intuition?

​You know that feeling  "in your gut". You know that feeling--when you meet someone and you get a sense that you can't trust this person. Maybe it's that the person's body language doesn't align with the person's words--you might see right through that person's smile or hello. Or maybe you're sensing that the person is being insincere. Our intuition is a sense of "knowing" without necessarily having tangible evidence. 

Why is it important to trust our intuition?

This internal "knowing" may give us signals through our bodies.  What I mean by this is that physiological signals are tied to our emotions. Research (Feldman et al., 1999) suggests that when our emotions are associated with different physiological responses. For example, when we are anxious, our heart rate most likely increases and our bodies might become warm. So the next time your heart races, ask yourself if you are anxious or worried. Our intuition can lead us to what seems right for us. When we use our intuition as a guide, we carry onward with less self-doubt. 

So how do we begin to trust ourselves?

Slow your roll
I get it. We're busy people. So it's easy to get caught in the hustle and bustle of things. In between that rushing, if we slow down once in awhile, we will be more attuned to what we need.

​Sometimes it's easier to ignore what we're feeling when we're rushing.

 You know those days--when you've been rushing from place to place and you tell everyone, "I haven't eaten since breakfast." So after that long day, you stop at In-N-Out to get  a burger but feel awful afterwards. When we're rushing, we forget to eat, and make those decisions that would make us feel less-than-good at the end of the day.

Even if we can't slow down entirely, we can make a conscious effort to pause for a few minutes in between the craziness to ask ourselves what we need or how we're feeling. Taking these moments allows us to practice listening to our intuition and what we need. 

Feldman, P.J., Cohen, S.C., Lepore, S.J., Matthews, K.A., Kamarck. T.W., & Marsland, A.L. (1999). Negative emotions and acute physiological responses to stress. Annals of Behavioral Medicine , 21(3): 216-222.

Who are we? Do you use your career title as a way to define who you are? It happens to many of us. This act only gets us into trouble when we solely define ourselves by our achievements. 

It's simple and accessible to identify based on our career roles. It's something that we can use in passing, to answer the question "What do you do?" when we are meeting someone for the first time. But answering that question does not begin to describe all the hats we wear in this world. Perhaps you are a parent or a sibling. Or some other descriptor related to one of your hobbies. Sometimes these automatic responses become engraved into our sense of being. It's easy when we are connected to communities with others that share this similar identity. 

Maybe the path to our identity is just that. It's a process. It's a way of encompassing all that we do and who we are as people. Think back to your childhood. How have your beliefs changed over the years? How did your identity shift from each life stage.

What Does Our Self-Esteem Have To Do With It All?
Our self-esteem is based on how we see ourselves and how we may judge ourselves against others. Do you compare yourself with others?

When we compare ourselves with others, we often see a sliver of this person's life on the outside. It's merely a snapshot among many. Unless we know that person intimately, we do not know what other struggles that that person encounters on a daily basis. 

When we are sure about ourselves, others' appearances matter less to us. We are less impacted when we feel comfortable with who we are. 

Self-image & Loving Ourselves
Positive self-image takes place when our realities align with who we want to be. 

Let's go back to that childhood or college self. Who did we want to be? How did we see ourselves? Now, fast-forward--how does your current self align with your dreams from the past and present? Does this mean that you'd want to bring in some unconditional love for yourself? 

But is there more? How do we identify ourselves beyond our roles? We can reframe our roles beyond ourselves. Perhaps it means using our skills to serve under-privileged communities twenty minutes away from our homes. How would you want to share your interests with others? What would bring you immense joy?