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My journey to self-love

1/22/2020

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An enormous shift took place for me when I recognized that self-love isn’t a destination. It’s a process that often includes forgiving myself. I have to forgive myself that I sometimes engage in old behaviors. Sometimes I want to call my ex and that’s okay. Even if I go through with it, being in self-love means being able to love myself especially when I make mistakes.

it means seeing myself with a gentler eye and being less judgmental on myself.

Before I would have beaten myself up for contacting my ex and included those “shoulds”, “I shouldn’t have texted him and said that my birthday would have been better with him there”. But in the real world, we're messy; I'm messy, and it was totally normal to have missed my ex-boyfriend. It’s about recognizing that sometimes I don’t act in ways that I’d like to all the time, but now I’m more loving towards myself, and thankfully, it takes a lot less time for me to arrive at that place. 

Self-love is about giving myself more room to breathe.

Sometimes it comes in the form of being more flexible with my schedule and allowing myself to sleep in, miss a workout, or take my time from going from place to place. 

So how do you bring in more flexibility into your life? ​

Reflect upon times when you’re most stressed. When you’re tired, are you more stressed, or the other way around? Maybe it’s an issue of the chicken or the egg coming first. Does this mean being more flexible with your sleep schedule and allowing yourself to go to bed half an hour earlier? 

How can you see yourself in a gentler light, with less judgment? 

It can be helpful to reflect upon how a friend would talk to you when you say something mean to yourself. Or maybe it’s just getting rid of the word “should” or “lazy”. You could start with using the word “could”, as a way of using language to shift your mindset. Or you could replace “lazy” with “I didn’t feel like it” and leave it at that--because it doesn’t mean that you’re lazy if you don’t want to do something; it just means that you’re human and that it’s okay!
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How to get some Self-Love: Sometimes we need some tough love.

11/29/2019

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Start with acknowledging that the judgmental thought is coming about, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend.
When I'm feeling down and exhausted, I have to ask myself what I need. Do I need love from myself or comfort from my friends? Do I need to take some alone time and be by myself?

TOUGH-LOVE

I don't know if you get to those places where you're just not feeling it and all you want to do is stay home and veg out. But I've noticed that there are times that I have to push myself to hang out after a long day, just because I'd rather be in my comfy pants (literally and figuratively). I guess I'd call that tough-love with myself.

NON-JUDGMENT

Yes, we can be judgmental. It serves a purpose. Sometimes it tells us that we're feeling insecure about something and that's why our criticism of others or ourselves comes up. At the same time, self-judgment and judging others can be taxing. When we're critical of ourselves, we're actually making it harder to give ourselves that self-love. That criticism adds to our negative thoughts about ourselves.

Here's an exercise:

Start by observing a judgmental thought, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend. 
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How to set healthy boundaries

11/17/2019

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I get it. It’s difficult. Do you ever feel like when you see that friend calling, you’re not looking forward to the phone call? Or after talking to this person, you feel drained? I hear you. It’s hard to talk to your friends about it, especially when you anticipate how your friend will respond. You worry that your friend won’t take it well and that will be the end of your friendship. 

I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, but that it’s not impossible. 

Most likely, your friends will respond well to your setting those boundaries. So where to start? With you! Why do I say this? When we take the time for ourselves, we’ve grown accustomed to taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, including in our relationships. So when we start with ourselves, it becomes more natural to trust ourselves and to assert ourselves with others.

This is all so abstract sometimes. What do we say to "set boundaries"? Let's say that you know that you will have a busy work-week, so you might tell your friend, "I can't meet this week. It's really hectic."

We might not know when we'll be ready to hang out with a certain friend. And that's okay. 
Part of setting boundaries is listening to what feels good to you. So you might sink into that ambivalence, and when your friend asks if you can attend an event, you might say, "I'm not sure. Can I get back to you?" If you really want to hold yourself accountable, or if you feel pressured to respond, you might include when you'll make the decision, "Can I let you know by Friday?"

Empathize with yourself.

It is scary to set boundaries. Recognize that it does take courage to set a boundary, especially if it is not something that you’re used to doing. Acknowledge the possible guilt of stating what you need, and let yourself know how important and empowering it will feel once you do set the boundary. 

Remind yourself that setting your boundaries is an act of taking care of yourself. 

For all of us people-pleasers out there, you can let yourself know that sharing what you need is being of service to that friend: by stating what we need, we are not expecting the other person to read our minds. We are also giving the other person a chance to be held accountable for their actions.

When you set that boundary, we create that space for others to respect us. 

Let’s say that we set a boundary with our friend, and she doesn’t end up responding positively to our boundary, it’s information. It can be revealing and difficult: our friend’s response lets us know if we want to continue that friendship, based on whether that person can respect our boundary. ​​​
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How Do we change our beliefs?

10/31/2019

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Learn about the rules that you’ve created for yourself. In the back of our minds, we might have these “shoulds” or “musts” that dictate our habits. For example, you might think, “I shouldn’t think of this as such a big deal.” In a statement like this, we’re taking away from how the situation impacts you. We invalidate what we’re feeling. We get so caught up in how it affects us that it makes it difficult to move beyond it. What do I mean by this? By thinking that we shouldn’t be affected by it, we become consumed by guilt and shame, “So why can’t I do it?”, rather than “I guess it is affecting me.” 

Now let’s apply this thought process to the rules that we’ve created for ourselves. 

Maybe you make dinner regularly, and you think “I must make dinner every day”. ​​The difficulty with statements like these is that we have created rigidity for ourselves, and we might want to rebel against these “rules” we’ve created for ourselves. Then you might have one of those days where you eat all the bread, and you’re stuck in frustration and shame. We learn to work with our tendencies. If you enjoy eating bread, then it might be helpful to create some flexibility so that you don’t have the need to rebel. 
Maybe you learn that the keto diet isn’t for you, and instead, you might carve out specific meals where you allow yourself to eat bread.  ​

These beliefs might come up as "I can't because of…" 

Write a list of these "limitations ". I put them in quotation marks because these thoughts are merely perceived. In order to detach from these perceptions, we might shift our thinking. Ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful, rather than if they're true. Let’s say that you’re trying to make it a regular habit to go to the gym, “I can’t go to the gym because I’m too tired.” See what it’d be like to shift this to, “I can…” by acknowledging your situation and assuming responsibility. Here’s how we’d apply this to our gym example, “I can meet my friend at the gym after work when I’m tired”. Now how can you use the “I can…” framework. Brainstorm different ways that you can work around your situation. If your statement is “I can’t because I’m too busy or I don’t have enough money”, think about how you can fit a task in a manageable amount of time. Start off with something manageable. Even if we start by adding in five minutes a week, we gain confidence and momentum. We prove to ourselves that we can fit it into our schedules when we thought it wasn’t possible. ​​

Let’s say that we’ve added something to our list, but it continues to be added to the list because we keep putting it off or avoiding it. 

Maybe it’s replacing the dead lightbulb at your house and you never get around to it because you have access to other lights. Having someone keep you company might give you that push. Even if it’s replacing a lightbulb, I’m sure that your friend wouldn’t mind sitting there with you. Teaching it is another alternative. Let’s say that you’ve been putting off fixing your wi-fi connection. Maybe you’d have your friend hold you accountable. This is when worrying about how others perceive us can be advantageous. You might want to avoid feeling like you’ve “messed up”, and this added pressure might help you get that task done. ​​
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How to feel confident & UNSTOPPABLE!

9/30/2019

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I used to hesitate and question what I had to say. Remaining in self-doubt required so much energy, and I wondered if my thoughts were valid or valuable. My self-consciousness furthered this spiral; because I felt insecure about what I would say, I prevented myself from interacting with and connecting with others. I felt alone in these thoughts. But through personal work and through practice, I learned that none of this was true. Soon enough, it no longer mattered what others thought. It was through this openness and walking through this discomfort that I gained meaningful relationships with others and felt more comfortable in my own skin. I began to love myself and feel more confident.

Because of my own path, confidence is one of those topics close to my heart. I am excited about sharing these exercises with you!


We often focus on negative memories.

These memories are often based in fiction, or prevent us from investigating other pieces of evidence that contrast our strengths and our abilities. When we focus on negative past experiences, we often leave out factual information reflecting our true qualities. I challenge you to identify five qualities associated with five different memories. The purpose of this exercise is to pinpoint your strengths despite the outcome. Even if it were a so-called “negative” or neutral experience, I am almost certain that you emulate positive attributes.

Let’s reflect upon an experience.


Perhaps you received feedback at work. What are some of the qualities that you exemplify at work? I can guarantee that you are hard-working, determined, attentive, and kind. I am assuming, but I am sure that there are many examples in which you demonstrate these qualities. When are you attentive to others’ feelings? When have you arrived early or stayed late at work? Or maybe you give it your best effort at your meetings.


Be a role model.

When we show others how to do something based on our skills, we’re reminded of our redeeming qualities. In those moments, we will focus on someone else, while reinforcing our own competencies. Perhaps you will gain excitement by mentoring someone and find yourself rooting for that person. Or maybe you will see yourself and your own strengths through this person.

It’s All In The Little Things.

Do something small for yourself. Buy yourself flowers as an act of appreciation for showing up today. Write yourself a note and place it somewhere you will come across it later. Wear your favorite outfit that makes you feel like a million bucks. Cut out an image or phrase from a magazine that reminds you of your amazing self. Send yourself a card so that you receive it at work. 
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How to FORGIVE & let go

9/16/2019

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I’ve always struggled with letting go. It often comes in the form of aligning my thoughts with the situation. What do I mean by this? Often I’m tempted to alter the situation, but I gain self-acceptance when I am able to accept it as it is. I no longer tamper with it. I take action, and then, once I acknowledge that there is nothing more that I can control, often with an internal struggle, I finally arrive at a place of self-acceptance.

Gain insight

If you are a future-focused person, you might find it helpful to imagine what you’d like to see. You might imagine what acceptance looks like for you. How would you feel once you’ve let go? Or maybe this means investigating what is making it difficult to let go. Perhaps it’s the feelings that you’re experiencing. Or the feelings that you might be avoiding. It might be scary to acknowledge what waits on the other side of acceptance. Or maybe you’re hoping for closure and there’s this stuckness that you’re experiencing. You might wonder about what you might be resisting and how this might make it difficult to let go.

Forgiveness

It’s not an easy process. If another person is involved, it’s not a matter of whether the person deserves this forgiveness. It’s about whether you want to continue holding onto this pain and resentment against this other person. So how do we go about this pain?

It starts with compassion towards ourselves.

We acknowledge what we’re dealing with, while maintaining responsibility. It’s not about having pity for ourselves, but rather validating our own experiences. We’re metaphorically embracing ourselves and showering ourselves with the love that we need during this painful process. When we treat ourselves with kindness and non-judgment, we can work through the pain and start to forgive ourselves and others involved. These are some phrases that you could use to acknowledge your own pain and be compassionate with yourself:
“This hurts and I’m here for you.”
“No one should go through this and it’s painful.”
“It’s hard to be in so much pain. What do I need right now?”
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How to listen To your intuition

9/16/2019

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Sometimes we make impulsive decisions. It happens. But after awhile, we begin to notice how these quick decisions get in the way of our happiness. We might regret those choices. Or we might feel anxious and question our decisions. Those times when you do slow down and listen to your gut, your decisions are aligned with you and what feels “right” to you. You become more confident and you trust yourself.

Nevertheless, I’m here to tell you that you can improve your ability to listen to your intuition. Let’s get to it.


  1. Acknowledge those “negative” feelings so that you can make room for a decision that’s aligned with you. When we’re a neutral or positive state, we’re better equipped to make decisions. We have more perspective. If we’re in a “negative” mood, we might be more likely to react.

Even if this voice tells you to do something that you don’t want to do, recognize that it might feel uncomfortable. We might not want to break up with our partner(s). We might not want to get off the couch. We might not want to put away that box of cookies. You get it. Generally when you get these feelings, you might not want to follow through because it might mean some “pain” on the other side, whether it’s feeling your feelings or feeling sad or lonely after leaving a relationship. You’ll have more space to think and to make decisions that fit for you

  1. Do something creative or “mindless” and focus on one activity at a time.

​When we engage in these activities, we are less over-stimulated (unless there’s music playing and people talking and you’re watching a tv show). When we multi-task, there’s less room for us to pay attention to our internal cues. Get into your body. When we’re walking or practicing yoga poses, we generally aren’t overthinking. We don’t think about that next step when we’re walking (except if we are re-learning how to walk from an injury or accident).

Allow your mind to wander. When we are curious, we’re more likely to be open and intuitive. Whatever comes to your mind, let it arise. See what it’s like to allow thoughts without resisting them. Mindfulness is another way to practice this exercise.

Lieberman, M.D. (2000). Intuition: A social cognitive neuroscience approach. Psychological Bulletin, 126(1), 109-137.

Volz, K.G. & Von Gramon, D.Y. (2006). What neuroscience can tell about intuitive processes in the context of perceptual discovery. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 18(12), 2077-87.
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How  to   overcome  fear  of judgment

8/3/2019

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Sometimes we might wish that we were in one of Harry Potter’s invisible jackets. It’s safe when we’re with those who make us feel loved. Maybe we’re worried about being judged about what we say or do. This might impact whether you say something. You might be worried that what you say is unintelligent. Or maybe you think that others are upset with you. 

It can be overwhelming when we’re caught up by our thoughts and concerned with others think of us. It can make it hard to do the things we want to do if we’re cloaked in anxiety. We might want to feel carefree, or at least less worried. 

Are you ready?! Here are some tips to worry a little less about what others think!

It's  none  of  your  beeswax.

Sometimes, shifting our narratives can help us work through these thoughts. One way to rewrite this story is to tell yourself, “What others are thinking about me is none of my business.” If the person is really upset with you, he/she can tell you. That person is responsible for telling you. 
Otherwise, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you were kind to that person and did nothing wrong! 

In the case that person has negative thoughts about you, it often has to do with the other person. If that person is jealous, it means that that person is insecure. Most likely, that person has to do some internal work on themselves and gain awareness of these insecurities if it’s leaking into your space. When we’re worried about what others think, we’re also giving that person a lot of our power. What do I mean by this? Also, the person that you’re concerned with, perhaps you wouldn’t want to be friends with that person anyway. The people that we’re around (and worry about what they think) might not share the same qualities or values we hold.

Another way to approach this is to talk to that person. Maybe you’ll find out that person wasn’t thinking what you thought they were thinking! Or if they confirm your thoughts, it’s a reminder that you’ve got some great intuition. By talking to that person, we might learn something about them. We might find a new friend!

​

SHare  about  it.

Our feelings can have an effect on us. If we’re tired or sad, we might be more self-conscious. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel worried about how others see you. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that whatever you’re feeling might be making you feel uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Talk about how you feel self-conscious. Sometimes when we share about it, we take the power out of it. Chances are that if you share about it, someone will understand what you’re going through and see you as bold and courageous for telling them about it. Other times, that person you tell might even share that he/she feels the same way. By putting ourselves out there and sharing the truth, we’re brave. We make space for others to experience our humanity. We model that it’s okay to be vulnerable. 

​

Reflect.

Think about the activities that you are entirely engrossed in, to the point that you don’t care about what others think of you. What is it about those activities that makes you feel self-conscious? Maybe you’re in a comfortable space, surrounded by people that love you. Or it could be that you’re so consumed in the activity that you’re not worried. 

Do  what  you  love.

Moments are ephemeral. Think about what you really want to cherish. You make your life. You deserve to enjoy it. To be the main role in your show. Don’t let anyone else take away that power. Do you. If there’s a song you love, belt it out.  When we’re doing what we love to do, it no longer matters what others think. If it’s meaningful to you, do it. 

​
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How  to   Overcome   Perfectionism

8/3/2019

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I get it. Maybe your perfectionism is getting in the way of finishing or starting projects you always wanted to pursue. Or maybe it’s just too scary to think might happen if you scrawl a few words on a page. It can be suffocating in such a way that we’re unable to to keep going, for fear that our work will be criticized, or for fear that we will be perceived as “less than.” Chances are, if another person truly thinks of you as less intelligent as you are, then that person really is unable to believe in his or her own abilities. Whether or not you are worried about how others perceive you, others have similar concerns. ​

Ask for it.

If you really want to fend off your perfectionism, asking for what you need is the best way to open the floodgates of flexibility.  If you need to, think of it as an act of service to others. By showing that you don’t know something also gives others the chance to be vulnerable. The repetitive act of clarifying something or asking questions then conditions us into recognizing that nothing will bite us in the a** or recognizing that we survived after asking for help. Practice asking for suggestions. It doesn’t mean that you are “weak” or not the “expert”. Rather, it’s a sign of humility. It’s the way that we all learn and assert ourselves. 

Practice. Practice. Practice. 

Purposely find an activity that you are mediocre at and find the fun in it. Fully experience what it’s like not to try so hard all the time. Maybe you’ll find relief in it! See if you can be silly while trying not to attain the “ideal” outcome. If you need any exercises: draw with your left hand and have a competition with a friend --who can draw the messiest picture?

We're human.

Even those who might appear “perfect” on the outside or seem like they have it “all together” have skeletons in their closets. Everyone has some fear or struggles that they have endured. We are all fallible beings. 

Write

In this exercise, write about your qualities as a person. This key is to identify who you are beyond your external accomplishments or appearance. It might be easier to pretend as though you are narrating someone else’s life, and therefore gain some perspective.

Make a List

By writing this list, maybe you’re better able to see your purpose and realize what is meaningful to you. The reasoning behind this question is to shed some light on what drives us at a deeper level, rather than focusing on superficial outcomes. 
Most people do not have the goal to be alone on an island. If you do, have at it! Most of us want to make money, but at the end of the day, we really might want to make money so that we can be surrounded by and spend time with those who matter to us. 
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HOW  DO  I  forgive  Myself?

7/10/2019

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Self-forgiveness is a great antidote to shame. In fact, those who experience shame on a frequent basis have difficulty forgiving themselves (Rangganadhan & Todorov, 2010). If we are able to forgive ourselves, we arrive at a place of peace.

You know that feeling. Maybe you beat yourself relentlessly for making that same mistake to the point that you attach this action to your self-worth. What I mean by this is this: your regret has affected how you value and view yourself as a human being. 

Now why is self-forgiveness important? 
The process of self-forgiveness is similar to that of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance):

Stage 1 :  Self-Forgiveness

You may not be ready to forgive yourself; you may experience denial and be unable to let go of the wrong you made (Hall & Fincham, 2005). In this process, you may feel guilty  and attribute this behavior to yourself and think that you are a "bad" person (=shame).

An Exercise For Stage 1: 
Start to bring in some self-compassion. Bring in some words of kindness to yourself and validate what you are feeling. 
It might look like this: "It's really difficult to feel guilty and shameful. These are painful emotions."

Approach your denial, and work with yourself where you are in this stage. 
Here's an example for you to use, but feel free to adjust this to make it seem more natural for you:
"I get it. You don't want to look at what you did wrong. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves."
​

Stage 2: Self-Forgiveness

This phase is marked by intentionality and the acceptance of your wrongdoing (Hall & Fincham, 2005). You are taking responsibility for your actions; you are gaining self-awareness. You begin to make peace with what you did wrong. 

An Exercise For Stage 2: 
Brainstorm a list of actions that might allow you to take responsibility for this wrong. Would you need to meet with the person and apologize? Perhaps you could write a letter to this person and acknowledge what you did wrong and what you could do to make it right. This is very similar to Step 9 (Making Amends) in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, 1989). 

If these are impossible,
 write a list of actions that you would not normally take. For example, if you despise washing the dishes, you might add that to your list. Or maybe, it's making a donation to a charity. The list continues...

Stage 3: Self-Forgiveness

In this final stage, you will attribute meaning to your wrongdoing. Your motivation to act kindly toward yourself will facilitate this self-forgiveness (Hall & Fincham, 2005). 

An Exercise For Stage 3:
Similar to the first exercise, you will engage in self-compassion.
If you have difficulty forgiving yourself, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledge what you did wrong, but emphasize how you are human. You might wonder, "Am I giving myself too much slack?" The answer is, no--chances are that you have engaged in self-flagellation and have been too hard on yourself. Then write about how you are sorry how you have treated yourself (pre-self-forgiveness). Focus on using non-judgment toward yourself and avoid criticizing yourself (you already know that you made a mistake!) when you write this letter. 

Let me know what you think! How do you work through shame and arrive at a place of self-forgiveness?


Hall, J.H. & Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.

Rangganadhan, A.R. & Todorov, N. (2010). Personality and self-forgiveness: The roles of shame, guilt, empathy and conciliatory behavior. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(1): 1-22.

Twelve steps and twelve traditions. (1989). New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.
Picture
In this workbook, you will access a series of exercises...
So that you will CHERISH every moment.
You will learn what YOU NEED.
You will FLOURISH no matter what emotions come your way.

I'M READY TO FEEL!
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