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HOW to deal with your feelings

1/5/2020

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It’s hard when we’re tired and things affect us more than they usually do. Have you ever had that experience when you blow up over something little? To make things worse, other people’s responses aren’t validating; they’ll say something like...

“Come on, it wasn’t such a big deal.”

 It’s not about the little thing that went wrong. Often it’s the compounding of different things that made you upset. 

So how can we deal when it’s been a long week? 

Remind yourself that you’re more sensitive and that things might affect you more. On these kinds of days you might want to take a five-minute walk or allow yourself to be less rushed. 

Rate your feelings throughout the day. ​

Let’s say that we use a five-point scale, where five is the highest level of intensity of an emotion. ​By pinpointing your emotions, you can take the actions necessary to make sure that intensity doesn’t increase. Now let’s use an example. Let’s say that you’re at a level three, where you’re feeling moderately anxious. To maintain that level, you figure out what you need. Maybe you need a moment to yourself, ten minutes without wifi, or a quick snack...the list continues.

​pinpoint your triggers. 

Find out what bothers you. Are there specific environments that amp you up or make you feel anxious? For some people, being in bigger groups of people can be anxiety-provoking. For others, people get irritated when people don't hold the door open when it's pretty convenient. ​

If you need help coping with anger

Acknowledge it. Forcing ourselves to suppress our feelings doesn't zap them out of our systems. Instead, we can reframe our feelings as something that helps us. It's an indicator that something inside us is threatened. When we're disrespected, it's infuriating. The urge is for us to fight back and to stand up for ourselves. When we allow ourselves to feel throughout the day, we let it out in spurts rather than through one explosion. 

Find an acceptable way to channel it.

Find an empty garage and throw some plates and glass bottles.

Write about it.

Find a boxing class.

Scream at the top of your lungs in the car.

Find people who will validate what you’re experiencing.

Tell your friends that you want them to listen. Maybe this means that you’re not looking for them to fix your situation, but just be there for you. 
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how  to  handle  hurtful  words

12/26/2019

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There are those words. Hurtful words. "Unstable." "Weak." "Crazy." Anyone that has been called these knows what kind of pain accompanies these words. 

Anyone that has been called these knows the kind of pain that accompanies these words. 

But what are you really? It’s never okay for someone to call you these names. Ever. Even if your actions are erratic. Those actions don’t define you. We all go through periods in which we might do things that aren’t characteristic of us. Maybe because it’s a more stressful time in our lives. Maybe you haven’t gotten as much sleep as you usually do. Maybe because you’re dealing with a lot all at once. 

We might not always handle things the way we’d like to all the time. ​

This doesn’t mean that we abandon all responsibility, but that we take responsibility for what we did, we learn from it, and we forgive ourselves.

When you hear these hurtful words, what’s your immediate reaction? 

If you’re angry, let yourself be angry. If you’re hurt, allow yourself to feel it. Ask yourself what you need. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and press the pause button. When we push away our feelings, they end up arising at a later time. But if we let ourselves feel what we’re feeling, we can feel it and then ask ourselves what we can do about it; we can prevent ourselves from reacting. 

The reason that I don’t use the word “overreacting” ​...

...is that that word is filled with judgment--overreacting according to what is “expected”, overreacting in terms of how we’re “supposed” to react. 

Remind yourself of who you are.

Write a list of qualities that you do have. Write a list of things that are meaningful to you. Now soak it in. ​

Sit in silence and repeat one of these phrases...

“What was said was hurtful. I am doing _________________ to take care of myself right now.”
or
"Oh, that was harsh. I am taking care of myself by ___________________________."
or 
"I need to feel safe. What can I do to make myself feel grounded?"


The reason that these phrases or versions of these can be helpful is that they're acknowledging what took place and the wording suggests that we are “doing” something proactive to take care of ourselves. We’re placing ourselves in an empowered place. 

Here’s  a  list  of  things  you  can  do  if  you’ve  had  a  long day:

Take a bath.
Get one of your favorite candies (if this is a trigger, skip this item)
Take a five-minute walk.
Call a friend.
Make some tea.
Color a mandala.
Fill a sheet of paper with smiley faces.
Write a friend a letter and send it.
Make a list of places that you’d love to visit.
Write down a list of role models you admire and why. 


So what do you do to take care of yourself?
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How  do  i  stop  searching  for  happiness?

12/26/2019

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I got the pleasure of eating freshly caught crab and by the person that caught it earlier that morning. 
There's something joyful about eating with your hands and getting messy. Have you ever eaten crab?!

On one level, it makes me think about societal expectations tied to gender.

As an identified cis-gender woman, I noticed that we are not given the chance to be "messy". Messy as in with our manners or with our clothing. Or how we maintain the inside of our living rooms. Or whether we sweat at the gym. Maybe these are just things that we do, regardless of our gender. Can we just throw all those expectations out the window?! 

And  if you  do  any of these  things, there's  no  shame  in  it!!

It doesn't take away from your femininity or your masculinity. We get to define how we view ourselves. We get to decide how we present ourselves. But I also want to acknowledge that it's not an easy process. It takes courage to own all of you, the parts of you that you love, the parts that annoy you or the parts that you're tempted to change. It's also a process. It's not a quick fix. It can be frustrating and painful, especially if we haven't come to terms with the parts that we're less fond of or would like to change.

But it has also made me question why we don't give ourselves permission to be "messy"? ​​

There seem to be a lot of negative connotations associated with the word "messy". ​So I'd love to invite you to give yourself to be "messy".
To experience your emotions. To be sad and frustrated and content all at the same time. Sometimes our emotional experiences don't make sense.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you; it just means that you're a person with a beating heart.
When we experience extreme sadness, it leaves us with the space to feel joy. We are not only more likely to appreciate the experience of joy because we've felt something on the opposite end of the spectrum, but also because we've felt everything else in between-- frustration, guilt, anger, or anxiety. From my own experience, I've found that it's not about striving for that state of happiness, but rather it's an emotion that we experience on a continuum. 

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How to deal with Loss

10/31/2019

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Grief. It's heavy. Whether it's the death of someone or it's the loss of a family pet, it hurts. We sometimes minimize our own pain and forget that a break-up is also a loss. 
About four years ago, a friend committed suicide.  It was one of those painful losses because she had been such a light in my life. She never saw all that her friends saw in her. 

REMIND yourself that past losses are triggered with death.  

If you find yourself deeply affected by a death. Maybe you didn't know the person that died. Sometimes these losses bring up all the pain related to an earlier loss. We might get frustrated with ourselves for "overreacting" because we think "I didn't know this person. Why am I so sad?" Often we're reminded of someone that did pass away, and maybe that recent death is affecting you. ​​

Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling 
Even if your feelings don't feel valid, they are. 

You're allowed to feel what you're feeling. Remind yourself that loss has no time-frame. If others expect you to be "over it", or if they say, "that was such a long time ago", let yourself feel sad or hurt. Grief isn't linear. Sometimes you'll find yourself unaffected by the loss, and a few weeks later, you're hit by every emotion, and that's okay. ​​

Set limits with yourself.

Let yourself say "no" to things that you're usually responsible for, and allow yourself to ask for help from others. If you have less energy than you usually do, give yourself permission to have friends get groceries or do errands for you. ​​

Because holidays and anniversaries can be particularly difficult give yourself time to grieve. 

Anticipate that these times might be more difficult, especially if you have a lot of memories with this person during these holidays. If you're open to it, designate a time to remember this loved one. You might create a space honoring this person, with different tchotchkes that remind you of this person and choose a fixed amount of time to celebrate this person. The reason that I suggest creating a fixed time is that we might be fearful that we won't be able to function if we take this time to remember this loved one. But by remembering and reflecting, you're giving yourself time to grieve. ​​

Because grief affects us all in different ways...

Remind yourself that it's okay if your response to grief doesn't look like everyone else's. You might find yourself angry or irritable and that's okay. Be gentle with yourself and remember that all feelings are allowed. ​
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How To Overcome Negative Thinking

10/12/2019

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Sometimes we're stuck with our thoughts and it feels like our minds move 100 miles a minute. I notice that that tends to happen when I drink too much coffee or don't get enough sleep, especially when it's a few days in a row.


But what I do notice what's helpful is sharing this with someone else, particularly someone that understands what it's like. It's not very validating when someone says, "What do you mean you're feeling that way? Just be happy." We all want to be understood and to be heard. Or worse than that response, "What do you have to be unhappy about?"


See, it doesn't mean that we're sitting in self-pity by acknowledging what we feel. It only transforms into self-pity when we're unaware or we continue to think about how bad it feels what we're feeling. Instead, when we notice what we're feeling, we can give ourselves time to determine what we can do to take care of ourselves.


This momentary insight into our feelings provides us some space from it so that we can feel it, process it, and then go about our day. What we often don't realize is that taking the time to feel our feelings actually allows us to cope with something that's affecting us, small or large.

Write.
Sometimes all it takes is writing and allowing ourselves to write from a stream of consciousness. If you don’t like journaling, try writing down a thought or feeling, and then ask yourself where this comes from, and whether it is factual.

Sometimes we’re scared that if we feel our feelings, we worry that we won’t stop feeling this way. Another way to do this is to write your thoughts on a small slip of paper and stash it into a shoebox or a jar. When we do this consistently, we let ourselves know that we don’t have to hold in all of our feelings. This act of placing a thought into a physical container is an act of kindness towards ourselves--it’s a way of giving ourselves permission to feel this way, while compartmentalizing it in a healthy way.
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When you're feeling stressed...

8/20/2019

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We’ve all been there. That feeling that everything is happening all at once. It seems like it’s just too much. You might feel consumed by your thoughts. The hard part about feeling overwhelmed is that it sometimes takes a big cry or a surge of intense emotions before we realize that we need to slow down or take a break. 

Redirect Your Focus.

List 1 thing that is important right now.  Can you solve anything right now? If the answer is no, we might need a break. This doesn’t mean that it continues forever. Remind yourself that you’ll come back to your problem. Remind yourself that worrying will not make your worries dissipate. 
If you’re fixated on one problem, shift to a different problem. This mental break gives us some perspective. It’s a form of brainstorming.

Help Someone Else.

Call someone else and ask her/him about her/his day. This doesn’t mean that you ignore your needs, but if you’ve been thinking about your problem all day, it might distract yourself from your thoughts. Not only will you be there for another person, you might feel useful and feel less powerless overall. ​

Imagine...

Imagine one of your favorite places. Here, you feel at peace. You’re reminded of the grandeur surrounding you as you visualize. Use all of your senses to imagine this place. How do the clouds and sun interact? Where are you sitting? Imagine how the ground feels and what the air smells like. With this visualization, we’re provided with a temporary escape and chances are, you won’t feel worse than before you tried this exercise. 

Repeat a mantra.

Identify an affirmation and repeat it. Take 20 slow breaths. As you breathe, imagine that your body continues to relax five percent more. Feel the tension lifting from your shoulders.When we experience fear and our heart rates increase, our bodies interpret this situation as a threat, but as our heart rates decrease, our bodies inform our brains that this threat (your problem) is no longer an issue. Continue these slow breaths and repeat your mantra. ​
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HOw to cope with our worries

8/20/2019

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We’ve all been there. Sometimes it’s when we’re tired, we might be more prone to worrying. Our worries might even stop us in our tracks because we’re focused on what might happen in the future. It can be overwhelming to say the least. What can you do to take care of yourself in this moment. 

I’ve outlined some tips to cope with your worries. 

Handle what we can right now. ​

Sometimes this means focusing on what we can do in the next ten minutes. When our minds are racing many miles a minute, we’ll be more at ease when we can focus on what’s in front of us.  

​

Get into the zone.

We all have those activities that make us feel like nothing can touch us. They’re challenging, but to a point that’s just right, and we’re still able to enjoy it. Usually we become consumed by it and our friends have to pester us to stop doing it. Maybe it’s writing a poem, or going for a hike, or playing the guitar. 

​

Reassure yourself.

Sometimes we might think that if we put ourselves into a worrying stupor, that somehow our worries will go away. We often find that worrying more about it continues the spiraling of thoughts.

If you’re worried about what someone is thinking, ask the person. When we’re immersed in these thoughts, we can’t confirm them. When we ask someone what they’re thinking, we can take control of these worries and learn whether they were fact or fiction. In the case that you can’t speak to the person, remind yourself that you’re being kind and respectful. Make a list of all the qualities that you do have and soak it all up.

FIND Meaning.

Yes, I’m going to say it--take a break from the internet and social media. Maybe it’s only for ten minutes, but give yourself that time away from it and to focus on what’s really meaningful to you, rather than on what others suggest is important. Ask yourself which people are there for you and what you value most. 

​
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How  to  deal  with  Jealousy

8/3/2019

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Comparison isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s ingrained in us; it’s a survival mechanism. Comparing ourselves only becomes detrimental when we’re encompassed by it, when it hinders us and makes us overwhelmingly resentful. 

We know that jealous feeling. We may consume unnecessary seconds or minutes thinking about that person on Instagram with that “perfect” body or your friend who seems like her life is wonderful. That’s the hard part about these difficult feelings, when they’re more than fleeting, when we’re swallowed by them. 
​

So, what can we do about it? 
Here are some journaling exercises to cope with feelings of jealousy. It happens to all of us and it’s normal! 

What  are  you  Avoiding?


When we're feeling jealous, we’re most likely focused on others. For some of us, we direct our attention on others because it’s easier than shedding light on ourselves. When this emotion arises, think about what are you insecure about and what it is that you want to change about yourself. Or maybe you do not actually want to change anything, but maybe it’s a question of, “What do I need to accept about myself?” 

To clarify, let’s say that you’re focused on how someone has a big house and you find yourself feeling resentful. It’s totally normal. But in this case, maybe overwhelming thoughts come about--perhaps it’s a sadness that you don’t have that house. Or it could be that you’re working sixty hours a week and you feel as though you feel as though there’s nothing to show for it. Or perhaps there’s acceptance that might need to take place, that it might take longer for you to get that house or perhaps it’s that you just need to accept that you’re angry that that person has it and you don’t.

Understand  your  expectations

Do you expect yourself to be perfect? In what ways are you too critical on yourself? By seeking certain outcomes, from whom might you be trying to seek approval? 
​

What recognition do you really need? Often we might want recognition from others. Why am I bringing up recognition? When we’re jealous or feeling insecure, we might really want confirmation that we are doing well or that we are working hard. In these fleeting moments of jealousy, there might be a part of us that wants that recognition that we might give others. 

HALT

Are you HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, or TIRED?

When we’re feeling resentful, maybe it’s our mental state that’s causing the raucous in our heads. We’re affected by how tired we are or the kind of week we’ve had. Reflect upon what types of situations that make you more vulnerable, and therefore more likely to experience these overwhelming feelings. 

It's All Relative.

There’s always someone who’s is going to be richer, smarter, more athletic, or whatever adjective that creates jealousy for you and there’s always someone who’s going to be on the opposite end. What are some things that others don’t have? Maybe you grew up with both parents or perhaps you have a pet dog or maybe you were able to attend college.

​But the point of it is, what will help you gain perspective? Is it volunteering at a neighborhood thirty minutes away from you, where there’s more crime? Or the better question is, what is it that you have gained over the course of your lifetime? How can you compare yourself to you from one year ago? What is different? What have you learned? 

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HOW  Can  I  RElieve  Social Anxiety?

7/14/2019

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Have you ever thought to yourself, “What if I say something stupid?”
It can be overwhelming to interact with others, especially when it’s around a large group of people. Maybe you are concerned how others may judge you in social situations. Perhaps you avoid situations because you anticipate the anxiety that you might encounter. 
If you have found that your social anxiety has negatively impacted your life, please seek a mental health professional. 

Here  are  3  tips  for  overcoming  social  anxiety:

Set limits for yourself

Try not to do too much at once. Set the expectation with yourself and others that you will only “stop by” to a party or to an event. We’re letting ourselves know that we can tolerate the anxiety once we go. By attending this event, we are challenging ourselves. This statement sets the tone that you will show up, but eases the pressure on you to say for an extended period of time. Make a pact with yourself to show up for a set amount of time. Let’s say that you show up for 20 minutes or an hour. That’s a step and congratulate yourself for accomplishing it! 

Remind yourself that others also share the same worries

It’s something that a lot of people struggle with and don’t necessarily share. But I want you to know that you are not alone and that others also worry about how they are perceived by others.

You are unique!

Your friends and family value you for who you are. Remind yourself that bring qualities to the room and that others appreciate your presence. ​
Picture
In this workbook, you will access a series of exercises...
So that you will CHERISH every moment.
You will learn what YOU NEED.
You will FLOURISH no matter what emotions come your way.

I'M READY TO FEEL!
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Letting  go  and  acceptance

7/7/2019

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Why is it helpful? 
I get it. It's difficult to let go of a difficult situation. We want to know what will happen, how it will all look, how we'll feel. For all of us anxious people (myself included), certainty provides us with a sense of comfort.

But from what I've learned, letting go means becoming comfortable with the discomfort.
It is just that. Uncomfortable. And if we can be certain about one thing--it's that everything always changes. Even happiness and pain. It's all temporary. 

So what does this all mean?

Yes, we can still make plans. And they're important and necessary. But the key is that we won't know how the future will unfold down to the specific details. Instead of seeking for knowing what will happen, I've started relying on being open and trusting my instincts. 

And how can we cope with all this?

Similarly, we can try our best, but we cannot control if we make mistakes. Recognizing what we can control may assist us with letting go. We can control how we respond to the situations that are presented to us. We can focus on how we manage and acknowledge our emotions.

The act of expressing what we need is a way of taking responsibility. Even if the outcome isn't what we expect and we can't control how others respond, sharing our thoughts with others is a way of taking care of ourselves and regaining a sense of control. 

 

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