Call someone else and ask her/him about her/his day. This doesn’t mean that you ignore your needs, but if you’ve been thinking about your problem all day, it might distract yourself from your thoughts. Not only will you be there for another person, you might feel useful and feel less powerless overall. ​

Identify an affirmation and repeat it. Take 20 slow breaths. As you breathe, imagine that your body continues to relax five percent more. Feel the tension lifting from your shoulders.When we experience fear and our heart rates increase, our bodies interpret this situation as a threat, but as our heart rates decrease, our bodies inform our brains that this threat (your problem) is no longer an issue. Continue these slow breaths and repeat your mantra. ​

Sometimes this means focusing on what we can do in the next ten minutes. When our minds are racing many miles a minute, we’ll be more at ease when we can focus on what’s in front of us.  

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We all have those activities that make us feel like nothing can touch us. They’re challenging, but to a point that’s just right, and we’re still able to enjoy it. Usually we become consumed by it and our friends have to pester us to stop doing it. Maybe it’s writing a poem, or going for a hike, or playing the guitar. 

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Yes, I’m going to say it--take a break from the internet and social media. Maybe it’s only for ten minutes, but give yourself that time away from it and to focus on what’s really meaningful to you, rather than on what others suggest is important. Ask yourself which people are there for you and what you value most. 

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Sometimes, shifting our narratives can help us work through these thoughts. One way to rewrite this story is to tell yourself, “What others are thinking about me is none of my business.” If the person is really upset with you, he/she can tell you. That person is responsible for telling you. 
Otherwise, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you were kind to that person and did nothing wrong! 

In the case that person has negative thoughts about you, it often has to do with the other person. If that person is jealous, it means that that person is insecure. Most likely, that person has to do some internal work on themselves and gain awareness of these insecurities if it’s leaking into your space. When we’re worried about what others think, we’re also giving that person a lot of our power. What do I mean by this? Also, the person that you’re concerned with, perhaps you wouldn’t want to be friends with that person anyway. The people that we’re around (and worry about what they think) might not share the same qualities or values we hold.

Another way to approach this is to talk to that person. Maybe you’ll find out that person wasn’t thinking what you thought they were thinking! Or if they confirm your thoughts, it’s a reminder that you’ve got some great intuition. By talking to that person, we might learn something about them. We might find a new friend!

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Our feelings can have an effect on us. If we’re tired or sad, we might be more self-conscious. Acknowledge that it’s okay to feel worried about how others see you. Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that whatever you’re feeling might be making you feel uncomfortable. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable. Tell yourself that it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. Talk about how you feel self-conscious. Sometimes when we share about it, we take the power out of it. Chances are that if you share about it, someone will understand what you’re going through and see you as bold and courageous for telling them about it. Other times, that person you tell might even share that he/she feels the same way. By putting ourselves out there and sharing the truth, we’re brave. We make space for others to experience our humanity. We model that it’s okay to be vulnerable. 

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Moments are ephemeral. Think about what you really want to cherish. You make your life. You deserve to enjoy it. To be the main role in your show. Don’t let anyone else take away that power. Do you. If there’s a song you love, belt it out.  When we’re doing what we love to do, it no longer matters what others think. If it’s meaningful to you, do it. 

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We, as people, we are resilient. We grow, we change, no matter what comes our way. I think that’s what makes us pretty special, no matter what our external circumstances are. We are able to push past those difficult times. So when you’re having a rough day, think about how much you have overcome. Gain some strength from that! 

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See what you can do to shift this narrative. Identify what actions you can take to play the main role in your story. Life can be tricky. Make room for yourself and what you need. Take the time to reconnect with people who know you as the wonderful being that you are. Ask your friends what they admire about you? We all need those reminders from time to time. ​

You might not know it, but something will come your way that will make you smile, if you’re open to it. It reminds me of that Jack Kerouac phrase about pursuing the “road less taken”. From a literal standpoint, maybe, if you take a new route home, you might run into some friends that you haven’t seen for some time, or you might see the mountains from a new perspective. Or it might be just as boring or predictable. The reason I bring up this openness, is that sometimes if we are open to something, we will land upon something that might spark something within us.

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I know, it’s definitely not an easy task. So how do we go about trusting ourselves? Start taking small actions that please you and only you. If you want to be bold, try something without worrying about how your actions might affect others. Of course, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are kind and respectful when you try these new things. Why would these actions matter? You’re practicing what feels good to you! You’re putting yourself first, and therefore, you’ll be better equipped to make decisions that align with you and what makes you happy. Trust that you will have the skills to continue despite the rough patch you might be encountering. 

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I get it. Maybe your perfectionism is getting in the way of finishing or starting projects you always wanted to pursue. Or maybe it’s just too scary to think might happen if you scrawl a few words on a page. It can be suffocating in such a way that we’re unable to to keep going, for fear that our work will be criticized, or for fear that we will be perceived as “less than.” Chances are, if another person truly thinks of you as less intelligent as you are, then that person really is unable to believe in his or her own abilities. Whether or not you are worried about how others perceive you, others have similar concerns. ​

It takes time. I'm not perfect and patience is definitely one of those virtues that I continue to work on. It's like the puzzle, if you take a break from working on the puzzle, you'll be more likely to add more pieces to it when you return to the puzzle. ​

Your friends and family value you for who you are. Remind yourself that bring qualities to the room and that others appreciate your presence. ​

Self-forgiveness is a great antidote to shame. In fact, those who experience shame on a frequent basis have difficulty forgiving themselves (Rangganadhan & Todorov, 2010). If we are able to forgive ourselves, we arrive at a place of peace.

You know that feeling. Maybe you beat yourself relentlessly for making that same mistake to the point that you attach this action to your self-worth. What I mean by this is this: your regret has affected how you value and view yourself as a human being. 

Now why is self-forgiveness important? 
The process of self-forgiveness is similar to that of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance):

You may not be ready to forgive yourself; you may experience denial and be unable to let go of the wrong you made (Hall & Fincham, 2005). In this process, you may feel guilty  and attribute this behavior to yourself and think that you are a "bad" person (=shame).

An Exercise For Stage 1: 
Start to bring in some self-compassion. Bring in some words of kindness to yourself and validate what you are feeling. 
It might look like this: "It's really difficult to feel guilty and shameful. These are painful emotions."

Approach your denial, and work with yourself where you are in this stage. 
Here's an example for you to use, but feel free to adjust this to make it seem more natural for you:
"I get it. You don't want to look at what you did wrong. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves."
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In this final stage, you will attribute meaning to your wrongdoing. Your motivation to act kindly toward yourself will facilitate this self-forgiveness (Hall & Fincham, 2005). 

An Exercise For Stage 3:
Similar to the first exercise, you will engage in self-compassion.
If you have difficulty forgiving yourself, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledge what you did wrong, but emphasize how you are human. You might wonder, "Am I giving myself too much slack?" The answer is, no--chances are that you have engaged in self-flagellation and have been too hard on yourself. Then write about how you are sorry how you have treated yourself (pre-self-forgiveness). Focus on using non-judgment toward yourself and avoid criticizing yourself (you already know that you made a mistake!) when you write this letter. 

Let me know what you think! How do you work through shame and arrive at a place of self-forgiveness?


Hall, J.H. & Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.

Rangganadhan, A.R. & Todorov, N. (2010). Personality and self-forgiveness: The roles of shame, guilt, empathy and conciliatory behavior. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(1): 1-22.

Twelve steps and twelve traditions. (1989). New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.

1. Visualize
Visualization is not only for athletes. It's been shown through studies that imagery helps us gain confidence. 

So how do you use guided imagery to overcome your fears? 
 Write down the specific details of your fear. 

Use all your senses to imagine this situation. Imagine the sounds and smells surrounding you. The idea is that you will access all the details of this feared situation. As you close your eyes, see yourself feeling confident. What does your posture show about your confidence? Imagine yourself handling the situation smoothly, whether you are using words and performing an action.

2. What's the worst that could happen?
Detail the worst scenario. Elaborating upon our fears can elicit the underlying issue related to our fear. Maybe it's the fear of being alone or the fear of not trying. Writing down these fears can take the power out of it. 

3. Write a list of skills and apply them to your fear.
You're right--the worst scenario might be downright awful. It's hard when we don't know how things will turn out, but acknowledging that we have the courage and skills to get through this situation can alleviate some of our concerns. If you want to get extra credit, write about past experiences didn't go "well" and write about what you did to overcome these difficult circumstances. Reflecting upon our growth and our resources can help us work through our fears.