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My journey to self-love

1/22/2020

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An enormous shift took place for me when I recognized that self-love isn’t a destination. It’s a process that often includes forgiving myself. I have to forgive myself that I sometimes engage in old behaviors. Sometimes I want to call my ex and that’s okay. Even if I go through with it, being in self-love means being able to love myself especially when I make mistakes.

it means seeing myself with a gentler eye and being less judgmental on myself.

Before I would have beaten myself up for contacting my ex and included those “shoulds”, “I shouldn’t have texted him and said that my birthday would have been better with him there”. But in the real world, we're messy; I'm messy, and it was totally normal to have missed my ex-boyfriend. It’s about recognizing that sometimes I don’t act in ways that I’d like to all the time, but now I’m more loving towards myself, and thankfully, it takes a lot less time for me to arrive at that place. 

Self-love is about giving myself more room to breathe.

Sometimes it comes in the form of being more flexible with my schedule and allowing myself to sleep in, miss a workout, or take my time from going from place to place. 

So how do you bring in more flexibility into your life? ​

Reflect upon times when you’re most stressed. When you’re tired, are you more stressed, or the other way around? Maybe it’s an issue of the chicken or the egg coming first. Does this mean being more flexible with your sleep schedule and allowing yourself to go to bed half an hour earlier? 

How can you see yourself in a gentler light, with less judgment? 

It can be helpful to reflect upon how a friend would talk to you when you say something mean to yourself. Or maybe it’s just getting rid of the word “should” or “lazy”. You could start with using the word “could”, as a way of using language to shift your mindset. Or you could replace “lazy” with “I didn’t feel like it” and leave it at that--because it doesn’t mean that you’re lazy if you don’t want to do something; it just means that you’re human and that it’s okay!
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HOW to deal with your feelings

1/5/2020

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It’s hard when we’re tired and things affect us more than they usually do. Have you ever had that experience when you blow up over something little? To make things worse, other people’s responses aren’t validating; they’ll say something like...

“Come on, it wasn’t such a big deal.”

 It’s not about the little thing that went wrong. Often it’s the compounding of different things that made you upset. 

So how can we deal when it’s been a long week? 

Remind yourself that you’re more sensitive and that things might affect you more. On these kinds of days you might want to take a five-minute walk or allow yourself to be less rushed. 

Rate your feelings throughout the day. ​

Let’s say that we use a five-point scale, where five is the highest level of intensity of an emotion. ​By pinpointing your emotions, you can take the actions necessary to make sure that intensity doesn’t increase. Now let’s use an example. Let’s say that you’re at a level three, where you’re feeling moderately anxious. To maintain that level, you figure out what you need. Maybe you need a moment to yourself, ten minutes without wifi, or a quick snack...the list continues.

​pinpoint your triggers. 

Find out what bothers you. Are there specific environments that amp you up or make you feel anxious? For some people, being in bigger groups of people can be anxiety-provoking. For others, people get irritated when people don't hold the door open when it's pretty convenient. ​

If you need help coping with anger

Acknowledge it. Forcing ourselves to suppress our feelings doesn't zap them out of our systems. Instead, we can reframe our feelings as something that helps us. It's an indicator that something inside us is threatened. When we're disrespected, it's infuriating. The urge is for us to fight back and to stand up for ourselves. When we allow ourselves to feel throughout the day, we let it out in spurts rather than through one explosion. 

Find an acceptable way to channel it.

Find an empty garage and throw some plates and glass bottles.

Write about it.

Find a boxing class.

Scream at the top of your lungs in the car.

Find people who will validate what you’re experiencing.

Tell your friends that you want them to listen. Maybe this means that you’re not looking for them to fix your situation, but just be there for you. 
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how  to  handle  hurtful  words

12/26/2019

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There are those words. Hurtful words. "Unstable." "Weak." "Crazy." Anyone that has been called these knows what kind of pain accompanies these words. 

Anyone that has been called these knows the kind of pain that accompanies these words. 

But what are you really? It’s never okay for someone to call you these names. Ever. Even if your actions are erratic. Those actions don’t define you. We all go through periods in which we might do things that aren’t characteristic of us. Maybe because it’s a more stressful time in our lives. Maybe you haven’t gotten as much sleep as you usually do. Maybe because you’re dealing with a lot all at once. 

We might not always handle things the way we’d like to all the time. ​

This doesn’t mean that we abandon all responsibility, but that we take responsibility for what we did, we learn from it, and we forgive ourselves.

When you hear these hurtful words, what’s your immediate reaction? 

If you’re angry, let yourself be angry. If you’re hurt, allow yourself to feel it. Ask yourself what you need. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and press the pause button. When we push away our feelings, they end up arising at a later time. But if we let ourselves feel what we’re feeling, we can feel it and then ask ourselves what we can do about it; we can prevent ourselves from reacting. 

The reason that I don’t use the word “overreacting” ​...

...is that that word is filled with judgment--overreacting according to what is “expected”, overreacting in terms of how we’re “supposed” to react. 

Remind yourself of who you are.

Write a list of qualities that you do have. Write a list of things that are meaningful to you. Now soak it in. ​

Sit in silence and repeat one of these phrases...

“What was said was hurtful. I am doing _________________ to take care of myself right now.”
or
"Oh, that was harsh. I am taking care of myself by ___________________________."
or 
"I need to feel safe. What can I do to make myself feel grounded?"


The reason that these phrases or versions of these can be helpful is that they're acknowledging what took place and the wording suggests that we are “doing” something proactive to take care of ourselves. We’re placing ourselves in an empowered place. 

Here’s  a  list  of  things  you  can  do  if  you’ve  had  a  long day:

Take a bath.
Get one of your favorite candies (if this is a trigger, skip this item)
Take a five-minute walk.
Call a friend.
Make some tea.
Color a mandala.
Fill a sheet of paper with smiley faces.
Write a friend a letter and send it.
Make a list of places that you’d love to visit.
Write down a list of role models you admire and why. 


So what do you do to take care of yourself?
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How  do  i  stop  searching  for  happiness?

12/26/2019

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I got the pleasure of eating freshly caught crab and by the person that caught it earlier that morning. 
There's something joyful about eating with your hands and getting messy. Have you ever eaten crab?!

On one level, it makes me think about societal expectations tied to gender.

As an identified cis-gender woman, I noticed that we are not given the chance to be "messy". Messy as in with our manners or with our clothing. Or how we maintain the inside of our living rooms. Or whether we sweat at the gym. Maybe these are just things that we do, regardless of our gender. Can we just throw all those expectations out the window?! 

And  if you  do  any of these  things, there's  no  shame  in  it!!

It doesn't take away from your femininity or your masculinity. We get to define how we view ourselves. We get to decide how we present ourselves. But I also want to acknowledge that it's not an easy process. It takes courage to own all of you, the parts of you that you love, the parts that annoy you or the parts that you're tempted to change. It's also a process. It's not a quick fix. It can be frustrating and painful, especially if we haven't come to terms with the parts that we're less fond of or would like to change.

But it has also made me question why we don't give ourselves permission to be "messy"? ​​

There seem to be a lot of negative connotations associated with the word "messy". ​So I'd love to invite you to give yourself to be "messy".
To experience your emotions. To be sad and frustrated and content all at the same time. Sometimes our emotional experiences don't make sense.
It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you; it just means that you're a person with a beating heart.
When we experience extreme sadness, it leaves us with the space to feel joy. We are not only more likely to appreciate the experience of joy because we've felt something on the opposite end of the spectrum, but also because we've felt everything else in between-- frustration, guilt, anger, or anxiety. From my own experience, I've found that it's not about striving for that state of happiness, but rather it's an emotion that we experience on a continuum. 

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How to get some Self-Love: Sometimes we need some tough love.

11/29/2019

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Start with acknowledging that the judgmental thought is coming about, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend.
When I'm feeling down and exhausted, I have to ask myself what I need. Do I need love from myself or comfort from my friends? Do I need to take some alone time and be by myself?

TOUGH-LOVE

I don't know if you get to those places where you're just not feeling it and all you want to do is stay home and veg out. But I've noticed that there are times that I have to push myself to hang out after a long day, just because I'd rather be in my comfy pants (literally and figuratively). I guess I'd call that tough-love with myself.

NON-JUDGMENT

Yes, we can be judgmental. It serves a purpose. Sometimes it tells us that we're feeling insecure about something and that's why our criticism of others or ourselves comes up. At the same time, self-judgment and judging others can be taxing. When we're critical of ourselves, we're actually making it harder to give ourselves that self-love. That criticism adds to our negative thoughts about ourselves.

Here's an exercise:

Start by observing a judgmental thought, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend. 
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How to set healthy boundaries

11/17/2019

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I get it. It’s difficult. Do you ever feel like when you see that friend calling, you’re not looking forward to the phone call? Or after talking to this person, you feel drained? I hear you. It’s hard to talk to your friends about it, especially when you anticipate how your friend will respond. You worry that your friend won’t take it well and that will be the end of your friendship. 

I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, but that it’s not impossible. 

Most likely, your friends will respond well to your setting those boundaries. So where to start? With you! Why do I say this? When we take the time for ourselves, we’ve grown accustomed to taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, including in our relationships. So when we start with ourselves, it becomes more natural to trust ourselves and to assert ourselves with others.

This is all so abstract sometimes. What do we say to "set boundaries"? Let's say that you know that you will have a busy work-week, so you might tell your friend, "I can't meet this week. It's really hectic."

We might not know when we'll be ready to hang out with a certain friend. And that's okay. 
Part of setting boundaries is listening to what feels good to you. So you might sink into that ambivalence, and when your friend asks if you can attend an event, you might say, "I'm not sure. Can I get back to you?" If you really want to hold yourself accountable, or if you feel pressured to respond, you might include when you'll make the decision, "Can I let you know by Friday?"

Empathize with yourself.

It is scary to set boundaries. Recognize that it does take courage to set a boundary, especially if it is not something that you’re used to doing. Acknowledge the possible guilt of stating what you need, and let yourself know how important and empowering it will feel once you do set the boundary. 

Remind yourself that setting your boundaries is an act of taking care of yourself. 

For all of us people-pleasers out there, you can let yourself know that sharing what you need is being of service to that friend: by stating what we need, we are not expecting the other person to read our minds. We are also giving the other person a chance to be held accountable for their actions.

When you set that boundary, we create that space for others to respect us. 

Let’s say that we set a boundary with our friend, and she doesn’t end up responding positively to our boundary, it’s information. It can be revealing and difficult: our friend’s response lets us know if we want to continue that friendship, based on whether that person can respect our boundary. ​​​
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How to deal with Loss

10/31/2019

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Grief. It's heavy. Whether it's the death of someone or it's the loss of a family pet, it hurts. We sometimes minimize our own pain and forget that a break-up is also a loss. 
About four years ago, a friend committed suicide.  It was one of those painful losses because she had been such a light in my life. She never saw all that her friends saw in her. 

REMIND yourself that past losses are triggered with death.  

If you find yourself deeply affected by a death. Maybe you didn't know the person that died. Sometimes these losses bring up all the pain related to an earlier loss. We might get frustrated with ourselves for "overreacting" because we think "I didn't know this person. Why am I so sad?" Often we're reminded of someone that did pass away, and maybe that recent death is affecting you. ​​

Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling 
Even if your feelings don't feel valid, they are. 

You're allowed to feel what you're feeling. Remind yourself that loss has no time-frame. If others expect you to be "over it", or if they say, "that was such a long time ago", let yourself feel sad or hurt. Grief isn't linear. Sometimes you'll find yourself unaffected by the loss, and a few weeks later, you're hit by every emotion, and that's okay. ​​

Set limits with yourself.

Let yourself say "no" to things that you're usually responsible for, and allow yourself to ask for help from others. If you have less energy than you usually do, give yourself permission to have friends get groceries or do errands for you. ​​

Because holidays and anniversaries can be particularly difficult give yourself time to grieve. 

Anticipate that these times might be more difficult, especially if you have a lot of memories with this person during these holidays. If you're open to it, designate a time to remember this loved one. You might create a space honoring this person, with different tchotchkes that remind you of this person and choose a fixed amount of time to celebrate this person. The reason that I suggest creating a fixed time is that we might be fearful that we won't be able to function if we take this time to remember this loved one. But by remembering and reflecting, you're giving yourself time to grieve. ​​

Because grief affects us all in different ways...

Remind yourself that it's okay if your response to grief doesn't look like everyone else's. You might find yourself angry or irritable and that's okay. Be gentle with yourself and remember that all feelings are allowed. ​
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How Do we change our beliefs?

10/31/2019

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Learn about the rules that you’ve created for yourself. In the back of our minds, we might have these “shoulds” or “musts” that dictate our habits. For example, you might think, “I shouldn’t think of this as such a big deal.” In a statement like this, we’re taking away from how the situation impacts you. We invalidate what we’re feeling. We get so caught up in how it affects us that it makes it difficult to move beyond it. What do I mean by this? By thinking that we shouldn’t be affected by it, we become consumed by guilt and shame, “So why can’t I do it?”, rather than “I guess it is affecting me.” 

Now let’s apply this thought process to the rules that we’ve created for ourselves. 

Maybe you make dinner regularly, and you think “I must make dinner every day”. ​​The difficulty with statements like these is that we have created rigidity for ourselves, and we might want to rebel against these “rules” we’ve created for ourselves. Then you might have one of those days where you eat all the bread, and you’re stuck in frustration and shame. We learn to work with our tendencies. If you enjoy eating bread, then it might be helpful to create some flexibility so that you don’t have the need to rebel. 
Maybe you learn that the keto diet isn’t for you, and instead, you might carve out specific meals where you allow yourself to eat bread.  ​

These beliefs might come up as "I can't because of…" 

Write a list of these "limitations ". I put them in quotation marks because these thoughts are merely perceived. In order to detach from these perceptions, we might shift our thinking. Ask yourself if these thoughts are helpful, rather than if they're true. Let’s say that you’re trying to make it a regular habit to go to the gym, “I can’t go to the gym because I’m too tired.” See what it’d be like to shift this to, “I can…” by acknowledging your situation and assuming responsibility. Here’s how we’d apply this to our gym example, “I can meet my friend at the gym after work when I’m tired”. Now how can you use the “I can…” framework. Brainstorm different ways that you can work around your situation. If your statement is “I can’t because I’m too busy or I don’t have enough money”, think about how you can fit a task in a manageable amount of time. Start off with something manageable. Even if we start by adding in five minutes a week, we gain confidence and momentum. We prove to ourselves that we can fit it into our schedules when we thought it wasn’t possible. ​​

Let’s say that we’ve added something to our list, but it continues to be added to the list because we keep putting it off or avoiding it. 

Maybe it’s replacing the dead lightbulb at your house and you never get around to it because you have access to other lights. Having someone keep you company might give you that push. Even if it’s replacing a lightbulb, I’m sure that your friend wouldn’t mind sitting there with you. Teaching it is another alternative. Let’s say that you’ve been putting off fixing your wi-fi connection. Maybe you’d have your friend hold you accountable. This is when worrying about how others perceive us can be advantageous. You might want to avoid feeling like you’ve “messed up”, and this added pressure might help you get that task done. ​​
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Waiting to feel inspired?

10/27/2019

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Let’s be honest. There are days that run into the next. We might just not feel motivated, and that’s okay. But maybe there’s a part of you that wants to feel inspired. No, it doesn’t mean being happy every moment of the day because that’s not realistic. Maybe you’ll just have a few more of those moments of excitement. 

Sometimes we just have to trust what we’re doing. ​

We might plan, but usually our lives veer off from those laid-out plans. When we trust ourselves, we alleviate the pressure we exert on ourselves to be where we’re “supposed” to be. Just continue moving forward and taking action like you already are. You’re already where you’re meant to be. 

Do something that you haven’t done for awhile.

Listen to a band that you enjoyed as a kid. Or swing on the swings at a playground. The key is to return to that playful state, especially when we’ve been consumed by our adult mindset.

Find a mentor.

Maybe this means someone at work that inspires you. Or maybe this means reaching out to some alumni and asking them about their career paths. This is why coaches are so beneficial in sports. We often need an outside perspective and someone who has expertise in the area that we’re exploring.

Create a folder.

This could be a physical folder of magazine clippings or one on your phone with Pinterest pins or websites. Sometimes we need visual reminders to motivate us. Perhaps it’s a screenshot of a book that you’re reading. 

It doesn’t have to be the “finished” product.

Remind yourself that whatever you’re working on, it doesn’t have to look “polished”. Even if you end up deleting it, you’ve got something to work with. I remember that in college, I’d wait until the last minute because I’d stare at the computer and try to perfect every sentence. I soon learned that even having a crappy sentence would mean that I’d use that idea as a jumping-off point. I’d end up keeping one sentence for every three, but the key was that I continued writing. So whether you’re writing a book or working on your next goal at the gym, we can’t expect ourselves to do everything all at once. 
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HOW TO COPE WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

10/27/2019

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Is there someone at work that you avoid talking to or feel drained after talking to them? Or maybe someone at work criticizes you or makes passive aggressive comments. It's unpleasant, especially if we have to see them every day at work. 

Here are some ways to deal with those difficult work situations:

Someone who criticizes you or is passive aggressive 
It's not okay when someone treats us with disrespect. Even at work. Yes, we have to get paid. But is there a way to make it more manageable? Yes. 

The critical person ​

Here it's really important that you stand up for yourself,  rather than let this person run over you. Here it might be helpful to plan because it might be nerve-wracking to talk to this person if you haven't stood up to this colleague before. You might want to say something about trying your best and being open to constructive feedback as opposed to overly critical feedback. 

Let's say that you've confronted this difficult person and he/she/they don't change. See if you can focus on the content. ​

Instead of focusing on how the information is communicated, discern what the underlying message. It doesn’t mean that it’s okay for the person to be critical, but sometimes critical people lack awareness; they might not know that their word usage or tone of voice comes across in a critical way. Perhaps this person did not intend to be critical, but rather tends to be upfront and open with his/her/their feelings. 

Here's an example of passive aggression

"That report was pretty good even though there were some errors." It's the underhanded compliment. Or maybe you've heard something with some kind of agreement, but with undertones of anger, "I guess I can wait until tomorrow, but I did tell you about it last week." 

So how do you deal with this person? ​

For the latter example, you might say something like, "I get that this is an inconvenience. " Here you'd be taking responsibility, while pointing out the other person's underlying message. The key is that you acknowledge that the person is saying something aggressive, and you don't need to apologize unless you actually are at fault. By catching them in the act, you're empowering yourself. 
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