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How to set healthy boundaries

11/17/2019

I get it. It’s difficult. Do you ever feel like when you see that friend calling, you’re not looking forward to the phone call? Or after talking to this person, you feel drained? I hear you. It’s hard to talk to your friends about it, especially when you anticipate how your friend will respond. You worry that your friend won’t take it well and that will be the end of your friendship.

I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, but that it’s not impossible.

Most likely, your friends will respond well to your setting those boundaries. So where to start? With you! Why do I say this? When we take the time for ourselves, we’ve grown accustomed to taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, including in our relationships. So when we start with ourselves, it becomes more natural to trust ourselves and to assert ourselves with others.

This is all so abstract sometimes. What do we say to "set boundaries"? Let's say that you know that you will have a busy work-week, so you might tell your friend, "I can't meet this week. It's really hectic."

We might not know when we'll be ready to hang out with a certain friend. And that's okay.
Part of setting boundaries is listening to what feels good to you. So you might sink into that ambivalence, and when your friend asks if you can attend an event, you might say, "I'm not sure. Can I get back to you?" If you really want to hold yourself accountable, or if you feel pressured to respond, you might include when you'll make the decision, "Can I let you know by Friday?"

Empathize with yourself.

It is scary to set boundaries. Recognize that it does take courage to set a boundary, especially if it is not something that you’re used to doing. Acknowledge the possible guilt of stating what you need, and let yourself know how important and empowering it will feel once you do set the boundary.

Remind yourself that setting your boundaries is an act of taking care of yourself.

For all of us people-pleasers out there, you can let yourself know that sharing what you need is being of service to that friend: by stating what we need, we are not expecting the other person to read our minds. We are also giving the other person a chance to be held accountable for their actions.

When you set that boundary, we create that space for others to respect us.

Let’s say that we set a boundary with our friend, and she doesn’t end up responding positively to our boundary, it’s information. It can be revealing and difficult: our friend’s response lets us know if we want to continue that friendship, based on whether that person can respect our boundary.

​Live or be Alive

I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, but that it’s not impossible.

Empathize with yourself.

Remind yourself that setting your boundaries is an act of taking care of yourself.

When you set that boundary, we create that space for others to respect us.

REMIND yourself that past losses are triggered with death.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling Even if your feelings don't feel valid, they are.

Set limits with yourself.

Because holidays and anniversaries can be particularly difficult give yourself time to grieve.

Because grief affects us all in different ways...

Now let’s apply this thought process to the rules that we’ve created for ourselves.

These beliefs might come up as "I can't because of…"

Let’s say that we’ve added something to our list, but it continues to be added to the list because we keep putting it off or avoiding it.

Sometimes we just have to trust what we’re doing. ​

Do something that you haven’t done for awhile.

Find a mentor.

Create a folder.

It doesn’t have to be the “finished” product.

Here are some ways to deal with those difficult work situations:

The critical person ​

Let's say that you've confronted this difficult person and he/she/they don't change. See if you can focus on the content. ​

Here's an example of passive aggression

So how do you deal with this person? ​

Sometimes we're stuck with our thoughts and it feels like our minds move 100 miles a minute. I notice that that tends to happen when I drink too much coffee or don't get enough sleep, especially when it's a few days in a row.

Write. Sometimes all it takes is writing and allowing ourselves to write from a stream of consciousness. If you don’t like journaling, try writing down a thought or feeling, and then ask yourself where this comes from, and whether it is factual.

We often focus on negative memories.

Let’s reflect upon an experience.

Be a role model.

It’s All In The Little Things.

Gain insight

Forgiveness

It starts with compassion towards ourselves.

Acknowledge those “negative” feelings so that you can make room for a decision that’s aligned with you. When we’re a neutral or positive state, we’re better equipped to make decisions. We have more perspective. If we’re in a “negative” mood, we might be more likely to react.

Do something creative or “mindless” and focus on one activity at a time.

Allow your mind to wander. When we are curious, we’re more likely to be open and intuitive. Whatever comes to your mind, let it arise. See what it’s like to allow thoughts without resisting them. Mindfulness is another way to practice this exercise.

What’s your habit telling you?

Decrease the pain that you’ll endure

Fewer Choices

Increase validation

Find balance in all that you do.

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Live or be Alive

Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling
Even if your feelings don't feel valid, they are.

Sometimes we just have to trust what we’re doing.

The critical person

Let's say that you've confronted this difficult person and he/she/they don't change. See if you can focus on the content.

So how do you deal with this person?

Write.
Sometimes all it takes is writing and allowing ourselves to write from a stream of consciousness. If you don’t like journaling, try writing down a thought or feeling, and then ask yourself where this comes from, and whether it is factual.