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You've set your goal. Maybe you're focusing on getting more sleep. Maybe you're trying to practice mindfulness three times a week. Whatever your goal is, it's normal for your excitement and motivation to vacillate. The novelty may have worn off or maybe you're still energized. Just like we're completing a puzzle, new habits take time. Change isn't necessarily linear, even though we'd sometimes like it to be. Here are 4 ways to cope with progress and bumps along the way. |
 | In these worksheets, you will find a series of prompts and exercises ... So that you can start ACHIEVING your goals now! You will gain tools to CRUSH your endless to-do list. You will find that EASE and COMFORT. YES, I'M READY TO CONQUER PROCRASTINATION! |
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Have you ever thought to yourself, “What if I say something stupid?”
It can be overwhelming to interact with others, especially when it’s around a large group of people. Maybe you are concerned how others may judge you in social situations. Perhaps you avoid situations because you anticipate the anxiety that you might encounter.
If you have found that your social anxiety has negatively impacted your life, please seek a mental health professional.
It can be overwhelming to interact with others, especially when it’s around a large group of people. Maybe you are concerned how others may judge you in social situations. Perhaps you avoid situations because you anticipate the anxiety that you might encounter.
If you have found that your social anxiety has negatively impacted your life, please seek a mental health professional.
Here are 3 tips for overcoming social anxiety:
Set limits for yourself
Try not to do too much at once. Set the expectation with yourself and others that you will only “stop by” to a party or to an event. We’re letting ourselves know that we can tolerate the anxiety once we go. By attending this event, we are challenging ourselves. This statement sets the tone that you will show up, but eases the pressure on you to say for an extended period of time. Make a pact with yourself to show up for a set amount of time. Let’s say that you show up for 20 minutes or an hour. That’s a step and congratulate yourself for accomplishing it!
Remind yourself that others also share the same worries
It’s something that a lot of people struggle with and don’t necessarily share. But I want you to know that you are not alone and that others also worry about how they are perceived by others.
You are unique!
Your friends and family value you for who you are. Remind yourself that bring qualities to the room and that others appreciate your presence.
 | In this workbook, you will access a series of exercises... So that you will CHERISH every moment. You will learn what YOU NEED. You will FLOURISH no matter what emotions come your way. I'M READY TO FEEL! |
Self-forgiveness is a great antidote to shame. In fact, those who experience shame on a frequent basis have difficulty forgiving themselves (Rangganadhan & Todorov, 2010). If we are able to forgive ourselves, we arrive at a place of peace.
You know that feeling. Maybe you beat yourself relentlessly for making that same mistake to the point that you attach this action to your self-worth. What I mean by this is this: your regret has affected how you value and view yourself as a human being.
Now why is self-forgiveness important?
The process of self-forgiveness is similar to that of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance):
You know that feeling. Maybe you beat yourself relentlessly for making that same mistake to the point that you attach this action to your self-worth. What I mean by this is this: your regret has affected how you value and view yourself as a human being.
Now why is self-forgiveness important?
The process of self-forgiveness is similar to that of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance):
Stage 1 : Self-Forgiveness
You may not be ready to forgive yourself; you may experience denial and be unable to let go of the wrong you made (Hall & Fincham, 2005). In this process, you may feel guilty and attribute this behavior to yourself and think that you are a "bad" person (=shame).
An Exercise For Stage 1:
Start to bring in some self-compassion. Bring in some words of kindness to yourself and validate what you are feeling.
It might look like this: "It's really difficult to feel guilty and shameful. These are painful emotions."
Approach your denial, and work with yourself where you are in this stage.
Here's an example for you to use, but feel free to adjust this to make it seem more natural for you:
"I get it. You don't want to look at what you did wrong. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves."
An Exercise For Stage 1:
Start to bring in some self-compassion. Bring in some words of kindness to yourself and validate what you are feeling.
It might look like this: "It's really difficult to feel guilty and shameful. These are painful emotions."
Approach your denial, and work with yourself where you are in this stage.
Here's an example for you to use, but feel free to adjust this to make it seem more natural for you:
"I get it. You don't want to look at what you did wrong. Sometimes it's hard to forgive ourselves."
Stage 2: Self-Forgiveness
This phase is marked by intentionality and the acceptance of your wrongdoing (Hall & Fincham, 2005). You are taking responsibility for your actions; you are gaining self-awareness. You begin to make peace with what you did wrong.
An Exercise For Stage 2:
Brainstorm a list of actions that might allow you to take responsibility for this wrong. Would you need to meet with the person and apologize? Perhaps you could write a letter to this person and acknowledge what you did wrong and what you could do to make it right. This is very similar to Step 9 (Making Amends) in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, 1989).
If these are impossible, write a list of actions that you would not normally take. For example, if you despise washing the dishes, you might add that to your list. Or maybe, it's making a donation to a charity. The list continues...
An Exercise For Stage 2:
Brainstorm a list of actions that might allow you to take responsibility for this wrong. Would you need to meet with the person and apologize? Perhaps you could write a letter to this person and acknowledge what you did wrong and what you could do to make it right. This is very similar to Step 9 (Making Amends) in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions, 1989).
If these are impossible, write a list of actions that you would not normally take. For example, if you despise washing the dishes, you might add that to your list. Or maybe, it's making a donation to a charity. The list continues...
Stage 3: Self-Forgiveness
In this final stage, you will attribute meaning to your wrongdoing. Your motivation to act kindly toward yourself will facilitate this self-forgiveness (Hall & Fincham, 2005).
An Exercise For Stage 3:
Similar to the first exercise, you will engage in self-compassion.
If you have difficulty forgiving yourself, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledge what you did wrong, but emphasize how you are human. You might wonder, "Am I giving myself too much slack?" The answer is, no--chances are that you have engaged in self-flagellation and have been too hard on yourself. Then write about how you are sorry how you have treated yourself (pre-self-forgiveness). Focus on using non-judgment toward yourself and avoid criticizing yourself (you already know that you made a mistake!) when you write this letter.
Let me know what you think! How do you work through shame and arrive at a place of self-forgiveness?
Hall, J.H. & Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.
Rangganadhan, A.R. & Todorov, N. (2010). Personality and self-forgiveness: The roles of shame, guilt, empathy and conciliatory behavior. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(1): 1-22.
Twelve steps and twelve traditions. (1989). New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.
An Exercise For Stage 3:
Similar to the first exercise, you will engage in self-compassion.
If you have difficulty forgiving yourself, I encourage you to write a letter to yourself. Acknowledge what you did wrong, but emphasize how you are human. You might wonder, "Am I giving myself too much slack?" The answer is, no--chances are that you have engaged in self-flagellation and have been too hard on yourself. Then write about how you are sorry how you have treated yourself (pre-self-forgiveness). Focus on using non-judgment toward yourself and avoid criticizing yourself (you already know that you made a mistake!) when you write this letter.
Let me know what you think! How do you work through shame and arrive at a place of self-forgiveness?
Hall, J.H. & Fincham, F.D. (2005). Self-forgiveness: The stepchild of forgiveness research. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 24(5), 621-637.
Rangganadhan, A.R. & Todorov, N. (2010). Personality and self-forgiveness: The roles of shame, guilt, empathy and conciliatory behavior. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 29(1): 1-22.
Twelve steps and twelve traditions. (1989). New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services.
 | In this workbook, you will access a series of exercises... So that you will CHERISH every moment. You will learn what YOU NEED. You will FLOURISH no matter what emotions come your way. I'M READY TO FEEL! |
1. Visualize
Visualization is not only for athletes. It's been shown through studies that imagery helps us gain confidence.
So how do you use guided imagery to overcome your fears?
Write down the specific details of your fear.
Use all your senses to imagine this situation. Imagine the sounds and smells surrounding you. The idea is that you will access all the details of this feared situation. As you close your eyes, see yourself feeling confident. What does your posture show about your confidence? Imagine yourself handling the situation smoothly, whether you are using words and performing an action.
2. What's the worst that could happen?
Detail the worst scenario. Elaborating upon our fears can elicit the underlying issue related to our fear. Maybe it's the fear of being alone or the fear of not trying. Writing down these fears can take the power out of it.
3. Write a list of skills and apply them to your fear.
You're right--the worst scenario might be downright awful. It's hard when we don't know how things will turn out, but acknowledging that we have the courage and skills to get through this situation can alleviate some of our concerns. If you want to get extra credit, write about past experiences didn't go "well" and write about what you did to overcome these difficult circumstances. Reflecting upon our growth and our resources can help us work through our fears.
Why is it helpful?
I get it. It's difficult to let go of a difficult situation. We want to know what will happen, how it will all look, how we'll feel. For all of us anxious people (myself included), certainty provides us with a sense of comfort.
But from what I've learned, letting go means becoming comfortable with the discomfort.
It is just that. Uncomfortable. And if we can be certain about one thing--it's that everything always changes. Even happiness and pain. It's all temporary.
So what does this all mean?
Yes, we can still make plans. And they're important and necessary. But the key is that we won't know how the future will unfold down to the specific details. Instead of seeking for knowing what will happen, I've started relying on being open and trusting my instincts.
And how can we cope with all this?
Similarly, we can try our best, but we cannot control if we make mistakes. Recognizing what we can control may assist us with letting go. We can control how we respond to the situations that are presented to us. We can focus on how we manage and acknowledge our emotions.
The act of expressing what we need is a way of taking responsibility. Even if the outcome isn't what we expect and we can't control how others respond, sharing our thoughts with others is a way of taking care of ourselves and regaining a sense of control.
What does it mean to trust your intuition?
You know that feeling "in your gut". You know that feeling--when you meet someone and you get a sense that you can't trust this person. Maybe it's that the person's body language doesn't align with the person's words--you might see right through that person's smile or hello. Or maybe you're sensing that the person is being insincere. Our intuition is a sense of "knowing" without necessarily having tangible evidence.
Why is it important to trust our intuition?
This internal "knowing" may give us signals through our bodies. What I mean by this is that physiological signals are tied to our emotions. Research (Feldman et al., 1999) suggests that when our emotions are associated with different physiological responses. For example, when we are anxious, our heart rate most likely increases and our bodies might become warm. So the next time your heart races, ask yourself if you are anxious or worried. Our intuition can lead us to what seems right for us. When we use our intuition as a guide, we carry onward with less self-doubt.
So how do we begin to trust ourselves?
Slow your roll
I get it. We're busy people. So it's easy to get caught in the hustle and bustle of things. In between that rushing, if we slow down once in awhile, we will be more attuned to what we need.
Sometimes it's easier to ignore what we're feeling when we're rushing.
You know those days--when you've been rushing from place to place and you tell everyone, "I haven't eaten since breakfast." So after that long day, you stop at In-N-Out to get a burger but feel awful afterwards. When we're rushing, we forget to eat, and make those decisions that would make us feel less-than-good at the end of the day.
Even if we can't slow down entirely, we can make a conscious effort to pause for a few minutes in between the craziness to ask ourselves what we need or how we're feeling. Taking these moments allows us to practice listening to our intuition and what we need.
Feldman, P.J., Cohen, S.C., Lepore, S.J., Matthews, K.A., Kamarck. T.W., & Marsland, A.L. (1999). Negative emotions and acute physiological responses to stress. Annals of Behavioral Medicine , 21(3): 216-222.
You know that feeling "in your gut". You know that feeling--when you meet someone and you get a sense that you can't trust this person. Maybe it's that the person's body language doesn't align with the person's words--you might see right through that person's smile or hello. Or maybe you're sensing that the person is being insincere. Our intuition is a sense of "knowing" without necessarily having tangible evidence.
Why is it important to trust our intuition?
This internal "knowing" may give us signals through our bodies. What I mean by this is that physiological signals are tied to our emotions. Research (Feldman et al., 1999) suggests that when our emotions are associated with different physiological responses. For example, when we are anxious, our heart rate most likely increases and our bodies might become warm. So the next time your heart races, ask yourself if you are anxious or worried. Our intuition can lead us to what seems right for us. When we use our intuition as a guide, we carry onward with less self-doubt.
So how do we begin to trust ourselves?
Slow your roll
I get it. We're busy people. So it's easy to get caught in the hustle and bustle of things. In between that rushing, if we slow down once in awhile, we will be more attuned to what we need.
Sometimes it's easier to ignore what we're feeling when we're rushing.
You know those days--when you've been rushing from place to place and you tell everyone, "I haven't eaten since breakfast." So after that long day, you stop at In-N-Out to get a burger but feel awful afterwards. When we're rushing, we forget to eat, and make those decisions that would make us feel less-than-good at the end of the day.
Even if we can't slow down entirely, we can make a conscious effort to pause for a few minutes in between the craziness to ask ourselves what we need or how we're feeling. Taking these moments allows us to practice listening to our intuition and what we need.
Feldman, P.J., Cohen, S.C., Lepore, S.J., Matthews, K.A., Kamarck. T.W., & Marsland, A.L. (1999). Negative emotions and acute physiological responses to stress. Annals of Behavioral Medicine , 21(3): 216-222.
Who are we? Do you use your career title as a way to define who you are? It happens to many of us. This act only gets us into trouble when we solely define ourselves by our achievements.
It's simple and accessible to identify based on our career roles. It's something that we can use in passing, to answer the question "What do you do?" when we are meeting someone for the first time. But answering that question does not begin to describe all the hats we wear in this world. Perhaps you are a parent or a sibling. Or some other descriptor related to one of your hobbies. Sometimes these automatic responses become engraved into our sense of being. It's easy when we are connected to communities with others that share this similar identity.
Maybe the path to our identity is just that. It's a process. It's a way of encompassing all that we do and who we are as people. Think back to your childhood. How have your beliefs changed over the years? How did your identity shift from each life stage.
What Does Our Self-Esteem Have To Do With It All?
Our self-esteem is based on how we see ourselves and how we may judge ourselves against others. Do you compare yourself with others?
When we compare ourselves with others, we often see a sliver of this person's life on the outside. It's merely a snapshot among many. Unless we know that person intimately, we do not know what other struggles that that person encounters on a daily basis.
When we are sure about ourselves, others' appearances matter less to us. We are less impacted when we feel comfortable with who we are.
Self-image & Loving Ourselves
Positive self-image takes place when our realities align with who we want to be.
Let's go back to that childhood or college self. Who did we want to be? How did we see ourselves? Now, fast-forward--how does your current self align with your dreams from the past and present? Does this mean that you'd want to bring in some unconditional love for yourself?
But is there more? How do we identify ourselves beyond our roles? We can reframe our roles beyond ourselves. Perhaps it means using our skills to serve under-privileged communities twenty minutes away from our homes. How would you want to share your interests with others? What would bring you immense joy?
During my recovery periods from skating injuries (broken toe and ankle, strained knee, lower back, and groin, Achilles tendonitis, shin splints), I practiced guided imagery when I wasn't able to train on the ice. I watched videos of myself performing jumps. Then I would imagine the feeling in my body for each of the jumps.
Some strategies for guided imagery:
For this example, I'll use pull-ups.
Closing your eyes, take a deep breath in and feel your core engaged.
Feel your lat muscles engaging.
Imagine how it feels to lift yourself.
Start small. See if you can feel one muscle group engaging as you're visualizing.
So why does guided imagery work?
1. Through Motivation General Mastery (MG-M), a specific type of guided imagery focuses on the details of our optimal performance and our ability to overcome challenging situations. In this type, we imagine ourselves as competent and confident. With practice and mastery, guided imagery allows us to improve our confidence levels through decreased anxiety.
2. A specific type of guided imagery, Motivation General Arousal (MG-A), pinpoints our ability to regulate our level of performance anxiety. Through relaxation exercises and the focus on physical sensations, athletes use MG-A to feel at ease prior to the competitive event.
3. Cognitive Specific (CS) is primarily based on specific sports skills (ex: penalty shot in hockey)”, while imagining the process required in the skill. CS is most effective when combined with MG-A to mimic the arousal states perpetuated by the real-life event.
Some helpful tips for using guided imagery:
1. Shift the meaning of this image
Let's say that you are using guided image for a goal on the field. Seeing the goal as a challenge as opposed to pressure can help athletes improve their skills and be more effective. This reinterpretation influences our level of confidence.
2. Practice, practice, practice
Visualize movements and engage physically in the movement (imagine doing the movements yourself). Start with simpler images (e.g. visualize the field), and then progress to more complex ones (e.g., imagine specific sports skills).
Most of the studies have covered the effective nature of imagery to the extent that it improves skills and strategy acquisition, whereas fewer studies have focused on the cognitive restructuring and how imagery impacts arousal and anxiety. It has been found that CS imagery is more effective than MS imagery. MG-A is only helpful when used with CS imagery because of the visualization of movements required in skill attainment
Movement Imagery Questionnaire (MIQ, Hall & Pongrac, 1983; MIQ-Revised, Hall & Martin, 1997).
Roberts, R., Callow, N. , Hardy, L., Markland, D., & Bringer, J. (2008). Movement imagery ability: Development and assessment of a revised version of the Vividness of Movement Imagery Questionnaire, Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology, 30, 200-221.
Vividness of Movement Imagery Questionnaire (VMIZ; Issac, Marks, & Russell, 1986).
Short, S.E., Tenute, A., & Feltz, D.L. (2005). Imagery use in sport: Mediational effects for efficacy. Journal of Sports Sciences, 23(9), 951-960.
Some strategies for guided imagery:
For this example, I'll use pull-ups.
Closing your eyes, take a deep breath in and feel your core engaged.
Feel your lat muscles engaging.
Imagine how it feels to lift yourself.
Start small. See if you can feel one muscle group engaging as you're visualizing.
So why does guided imagery work?
1. Through Motivation General Mastery (MG-M), a specific type of guided imagery focuses on the details of our optimal performance and our ability to overcome challenging situations. In this type, we imagine ourselves as competent and confident. With practice and mastery, guided imagery allows us to improve our confidence levels through decreased anxiety.
2. A specific type of guided imagery, Motivation General Arousal (MG-A), pinpoints our ability to regulate our level of performance anxiety. Through relaxation exercises and the focus on physical sensations, athletes use MG-A to feel at ease prior to the competitive event.
3. Cognitive Specific (CS) is primarily based on specific sports skills (ex: penalty shot in hockey)”, while imagining the process required in the skill. CS is most effective when combined with MG-A to mimic the arousal states perpetuated by the real-life event.
Some helpful tips for using guided imagery:
1. Shift the meaning of this image
Let's say that you are using guided image for a goal on the field. Seeing the goal as a challenge as opposed to pressure can help athletes improve their skills and be more effective. This reinterpretation influences our level of confidence.
2. Practice, practice, practice
Visualize movements and engage physically in the movement (imagine doing the movements yourself). Start with simpler images (e.g. visualize the field), and then progress to more complex ones (e.g., imagine specific sports skills).
Most of the studies have covered the effective nature of imagery to the extent that it improves skills and strategy acquisition, whereas fewer studies have focused on the cognitive restructuring and how imagery impacts arousal and anxiety. It has been found that CS imagery is more effective than MS imagery. MG-A is only helpful when used with CS imagery because of the visualization of movements required in skill attainment
Movement Imagery Questionnaire (MIQ, Hall & Pongrac, 1983; MIQ-Revised, Hall & Martin, 1997).
Roberts, R., Callow, N. , Hardy, L., Markland, D., & Bringer, J. (2008). Movement imagery ability: Development and assessment of a revised version of the Vividness of Movement Imagery Questionnaire, Journal of Sport & Exercise Psychology, 30, 200-221.
Vividness of Movement Imagery Questionnaire (VMIZ; Issac, Marks, & Russell, 1986).
Short, S.E., Tenute, A., & Feltz, D.L. (2005). Imagery use in sport: Mediational effects for efficacy. Journal of Sports Sciences, 23(9), 951-960.
Why do I love helping people manage their stress? For awhile, I had a tough time finding balance and the ideal recipe of "doing" and "being". Now I want to help others find their sense of balance, while challenging them to pursue more of what they love and decrease their stress.
What do I mean by "doing"? It means going through our daily routine--going to work, finding a job, running errands--everything from doing what we need to do to get through the day to finding what makes us happy.
I've noticed that changing my attitude has helped me discover moments where I can just be, where I can be aware of what's surrounding me, even if I'm distracted and not directly in the "present".
WHAT HELPS YOU MAINTAIN BALANCE?!
I used to believe that I wasn't "good enough", particularly in my career. I felt as though I needed to "prove myself" to others and that I was productive all the time. I used to compare myself with others. I was surrounded by driven individuals who knew exactly what they wanted to pursue. A shift took place when I stopped comparing myself with others and focused on my career and what I needed.
I remember feeling scared to let my guard down and showing people who I was. My path didn't look like others' journeys and that was okay. Now it's not about "being the best" that matters to me, but doing what brings meaning into my life. Acknowledging the bumps in the road has allowed me to accept who I am today.
What do I mean by "doing"? It means going through our daily routine--going to work, finding a job, running errands--everything from doing what we need to do to get through the day to finding what makes us happy.
I've noticed that changing my attitude has helped me discover moments where I can just be, where I can be aware of what's surrounding me, even if I'm distracted and not directly in the "present".
WHAT HELPS YOU MAINTAIN BALANCE?!
I used to believe that I wasn't "good enough", particularly in my career. I felt as though I needed to "prove myself" to others and that I was productive all the time. I used to compare myself with others. I was surrounded by driven individuals who knew exactly what they wanted to pursue. A shift took place when I stopped comparing myself with others and focused on my career and what I needed.
I remember feeling scared to let my guard down and showing people who I was. My path didn't look like others' journeys and that was okay. Now it's not about "being the best" that matters to me, but doing what brings meaning into my life. Acknowledging the bumps in the road has allowed me to accept who I am today.
Being spontaneous and letting go of my plans made me realize that it's a lot easier to get thins done. Sometimes we need a break from the seriousness, and being silly can remind us of the fun in life.
There's nothing like being totally silly and letting loose. I used to worry about whether I looked weird, if I used the "right" words, the list continues...
Peers used to mock me because I was nerdy. I'm not saying this to receive pity or sympathy, but rather to show that it's possible to feel good about who we are, without caring about what others think of us!
What helps you be silly?
Sometimes, with silliness, it means letting go of what's expected of us as adults. Who says that we can't act like a kid every once in awhile?!
My boyfriend had dropped off his car to get fixed and there was a downpour. So what did we do?! We skipped in the rain and slid into the mud. The hills turned golden as the sun parted through the clouds.
Some tips to get silly:
1. Watch an old cartoon and embrace all of it.
2. Grab a friend and make silly faces at each other until you start laughing.
3. Go to a comedy show.
4. Start telling jokes and laugh at yourself.
5. Look at something and make up a nonsensical story about it. Laugh at yourself!
There's nothing like being totally silly and letting loose. I used to worry about whether I looked weird, if I used the "right" words, the list continues...
Peers used to mock me because I was nerdy. I'm not saying this to receive pity or sympathy, but rather to show that it's possible to feel good about who we are, without caring about what others think of us!
What helps you be silly?
Sometimes, with silliness, it means letting go of what's expected of us as adults. Who says that we can't act like a kid every once in awhile?!
My boyfriend had dropped off his car to get fixed and there was a downpour. So what did we do?! We skipped in the rain and slid into the mud. The hills turned golden as the sun parted through the clouds.
Some tips to get silly:
1. Watch an old cartoon and embrace all of it.
2. Grab a friend and make silly faces at each other until you start laughing.
3. Go to a comedy show.
4. Start telling jokes and laugh at yourself.
5. Look at something and make up a nonsensical story about it. Laugh at yourself!
Find balance in all that you do.
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