Start with acknowledging that the judgmental thought is coming about, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend.
When I'm feeling down and exhausted, I have to ask myself what I need. Do I need love from myself or comfort from my friends? Do I need to take some alone time and be by myself?
I don't know if you get to those places where you're just not feeling it and all you want to do is stay home and veg out. But I've noticed that there are times that I have to push myself to hang out after a long day, just because I'd rather be in my comfy pants (literally and figuratively). I guess I'd call that tough-love with myself.
Yes, we can be judgmental. It serves a purpose. Sometimes it tells us that we're feeling insecure about something and that's why our criticism of others or ourselves comes up. At the same time, self-judgment and judging others can be taxing. When we're critical of ourselves, we're actually making it harder to give ourselves that self-love. That criticism adds to our negative thoughts about ourselves.
Here's an exercise:
Start by observing a judgmental thought, "Hey, that's pretty judgmental. It's okay to judge. You're human. What do I need right now?" The reason that "it's okay to judge" is included is that it's about being kind to ourselves when we're being judgmental of ourselves and others. The next step is action-oriented. By asking ourselves what we need, we're creating space for us to take care of ourselves. So as an example, if we're tired and at work, maybe we need to take some long deep breaths for two minutes. Or maybe that means that we need to step outside and call a friend.
I get it. It’s difficult. Do you ever feel like when you see that friend calling, you’re not looking forward to the phone call? Or after talking to this person, you feel drained? I hear you. It’s hard to talk to your friends about it, especially when you anticipate how your friend will respond. You worry that your friend won’t take it well and that will be the end of your friendship.
I’m here to tell you that it’s not easy, but that it’s not impossible.
Most likely, your friends will respond well to your setting those boundaries. So where to start? With you! Why do I say this? When we take the time for ourselves, we’ve grown accustomed to taking care of ourselves in all aspects of our lives, including in our relationships. So when we start with ourselves, it becomes more natural to trust ourselves and to assert ourselves with others.
This is all so abstract sometimes. What do we say to "set boundaries"? Let's say that you know that you will have a busy work-week, so you might tell your friend, "I can't meet this week. It's really hectic."
We might not know when we'll be ready to hang out with a certain friend. And that's okay.
Part of setting boundaries is listening to what feels good to you. So you might sink into that ambivalence, and when your friend asks if you can attend an event, you might say, "I'm not sure. Can I get back to you?" If you really want to hold yourself accountable, or if you feel pressured to respond, you might include when you'll make the decision, "Can I let you know by Friday?"
Empathize with yourself.
It is scary to set boundaries. Recognize that it does take courage to set a boundary, especially if it is not something that you’re used to doing. Acknowledge the possible guilt of stating what you need, and let yourself know how important and empowering it will feel once you do set the boundary.
Remind yourself that setting your boundaries is an act of taking care of yourself.
For all of us people-pleasers out there, you can let yourself know that sharing what you need is being of service to that friend: by stating what we need, we are not expecting the other person to read our minds. We are also giving the other person a chance to be held accountable for their actions.
When you set that boundary, we create that space for others to respect us.
Let’s say that we set a boundary with our friend, and she doesn’t end up responding positively to our boundary, it’s information. It can be revealing and difficult: our friend’s response lets us know if we want to continue that friendship, based on whether that person can respect our boundary.
Grief. It's heavy. Whether it's the death of someone or it's the loss of a family pet, it hurts. We sometimes minimize our own pain and forget that a break-up is also a loss.
About four years ago, a friend committed suicide. It was one of those painful losses because she had been such a light in my life. She never saw all that her friends saw in her.
REMIND yourself that past losses are triggered with death.
If you find yourself deeply affected by a death. Maybe you didn't know the person that died. Sometimes these losses bring up all the pain related to an earlier loss. We might get frustrated with ourselves for "overreacting" because we think "I didn't know this person. Why am I so sad?" Often we're reminded of someone that did pass away, and maybe that recent death is affecting you.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling